SUBMISSION...ITS NOT A DIRTY WORD

Struggle is Ordained...I have heard that for the better part of my life, and am now just determining what i choose to struggle about!!! Some things are beyond my scope of control, others? Not so much.

When i look at my journey in developing my spiritual self, i look back on the discipline i chose in which to do so. Again, i don't like to get caught up in Titles as they are more divisive then the unifying principle in which they are intended. So i choose to use discipline.

I was once in an argument with a fool, and during the argument who was the fool was interchangeable, she swore to me up and down she wasn't going to deny CHRIST and not call herself a Christian, as if a Name makes you such, all the while abusing, neglecting traumatizing and mistreating your children? Ma'am have several seats, please and thank you.  And don't even get me started on folks claiming Allah, all the while mistreating women, blowing up shit and selling more Pork than Leon's Pig Pen...Sir? Boy Bye! So yeah, I'm cool on the labeling and i wont be so arrogant to determine for you what is for you!!! We all have a walk/journey/role and Dear God they can change like the wind so I'm a little slow as to make a determination on an unfinished product.

Said all that to say, this last 2 weeks have been very tumultuous with an internal struggle for me, I was on my road, meditating 20 minutes a day, eating right for the most part and being active, you know really finding time to cultivate and evolve myself back to my original state before this world got a hold of me! Back to GOD!!!! My cycle came and everything came to a screeching halt, almost instantly.

You see i have had this on again off again relationship with my creator and sometimes when i am riding HIGH and i think we are seeing eye to eye on some things a struggle presents itself!  My cycle is one of those struggles! My sister and I have been talking and she offended me on a few things, and i was really telling her off in my head ( i mean a freeloader can only say so much right) But i felt like she was infringing on my relationship with my creator and Telling me how it should be, when in my mind I GOT THIS! Well after i went to my quiet place, she was right, although i didn't like it AT ALL, she was right!

When i started to develop on my spiritual journey away from what i was taught as a child i was seventeen years old.  I am now 40, but only 23 years in my development, now when we look at the average 23 year old, and i think of my 21 year old soon to be 22 year old daughter i see her development, or the lack thereof, and i cut her slack because, she's only 21? But i never afford myself the same slack? It seems i never bestow upon my self the same grace, kindness and patience that i show others.

When you are growing up you tend to do what your parents say do, then as you get older you start smelling yourself and start making some bold moves in your own direction whether good or bad.  Then as the world whips your ass, you start to think back on what mama and daddy said, and wish being obedient to what they prescribed was all you had to concern yourself with...Wash a Dish? Hell yeah I'll wash all the damn dishes, the wall, the bathroom, the car, the underbelly of a YAK, if that means i don't have to be bombarded with all these new found challenges and responsibilities!!!

Then you mature, and you start to understand, your struggles had to be your struggles, your pains had to be yours, your triumphs had to be yours, YOUR JOURNEY had to be yours, and then you begin to develop into your own, with your own flavor, your own new found freedom and evolution.

Well although i am 40, i am just now coming into my own, and my journey has looked so colorful, and so rebellious, and so outrageous to some, but it was all on PURPOSE for me! So i embrace my 23 year old self, i accept that mama knew what the heck she was talking about a little bit, and i am determined to walk my walk, humbly, appreciatively, and begin treating my discipline with the reverence and respect it deserves.

I have never wanted to fully submit to anyone or anything NEVER! Even if i KNEW it was for my own good, because i always have been riddled with the ghost of Claude Coward trying to tame that wild child of his AND NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER!!!!

But it isn't about me Losing Anything, but finally coming into the person i was destined to become...Its about me Gaining EVERYTHING

Again-I am thankful for another opportunity to NOT get it right...but to be BETTER!!!!

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

THINGS HAVE DEFINITELY CHANGED....

So i rarely blog on demand, but i have been derelict in my duty to my one true fan!!!!! Okay two fans, but i dare say three is pushing it...So i write...

Well i am all moved from the home of the wire, chicken boxes, half and halfs and urban belly dancers to the town of surf boards, fun in the sun and mountains far as the eye can see...the only place where you can surf and ski in the same day if you wanted too...well only place that i know of any way HA! CALIFORNIA!!! 

One thing i learned most about this move is FREEDOM aint FREE!!!! I have heard people say this all my life thanks to my Ungawa Black Power Daddy! But it is one of the realest sentiments ever! Sometimes if you wanna be free of all the hairy bullshit...you gotta pay the price!! So i am paying the piper! And happy to do so.

I see my boy thriving, i see the best man i know outside my daddy, "The Hubs" freed up to really focus on his creative side as he has one a mileeeeeeeee long and i am joyful! 

I posted pics on Facebook like the first week i got here, and my cousinigetinthedivorceslashtherapist was like let me call this @)*#)@(+@ She done combed her damn hair and is bright and shiny and was here looking like a damn runaway slave!!!! I hadn't even noticed the difference but i sure felt it!  I know i have the same issues i had in Baltimore (im still black at em?) THAT hasn't changed, I HAVE! 

My father use to always compare me to my siblings and it used to drive me to distraction, but he had a point, if they are in the same classes, in the same school with the same teachers, why is it you the only one always with the problem? Well of course in my defense i have to say the world wasn't ready for what HE HIMSELF created in his rearing of me! But i had to look at the common denominator and that was ME MYSELF AND I! 

I could live in the bowels of hell or be greeted with the warmth and graciousness of St. Peter himself  and could be happier in hell depending upon my perspective!!!! Perspective can be EVERYTHING!!!! Sometimes when you look at people and try to get all up in their heads with their madness it is an exercise in futility, because if you are not looking from their perspective and living with their experiences Fagediboudit.

My therapist (more like High Priestess, because therapist is playing her small in my opinion)  asked me to take 20 minutes to just be quiet and sit still so she could do some work with me and i replied i had no time today...then when i looked, i had no time in the near future? WHAT THE HELL? You haven't 20 minutes to be still? To be alone? Now thats some fracklenackle bullshit if i ever heard of some!

My perspective is shifting, Mind Body and Soul as ME time has a whole new meaning to me now,  i am not talking about no superficial nails did, toes did, hot bath time! As those things are important, but if you look at it Ummm thats basic hygiene... 

but for me and my grand scheme...

I am talking about some gut wrenching soul searching bout it bout it TIME!!!!  Investing in me time !!!! Dealing with the hypocrisy within my self and the self-loathing time, other people's expectations and why they matter time? Communing with the ancestors letting go of ancestral baggage TIME! Letting go of that EGO TIME!!!!!!!

So i am making the TIME, it hasn't been long but the boy is even like okay mom go meditate...have fun!!! Im like son if i am a better me you will ONLY benefit! He may not understand it fully, but on a visceral level HE GETS IT and he's four...whats my excuse? 

Even newer things have been happening with my business, and i have to be honest i feel the sense of angst and a bit overwhelmed, but all i can do is MAKE A PLAN...and Work it, as my Mama always says "it only works...if YOU work it!" 

Your Baby's working it Mama!!!!

Again-I am thankful for another opportunity to NOT get it right...but to be BETTER!!!!

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

THE CRAZIES ARE BACK...BUT NOT HERE TO STAY!

DAY 25 DECEMBER F.L.Y. FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF CHALLENGE

I am up, miserable and mad as a wet CAT! So, i haven't juiced in 2 days due to me not prioritizing, i will not accept excuses from myself although i have several at the ready, but as i have been taught for a very long time by my Ummi that excusitis is a FAILURES's Disease! Dis-ease is the right word as i am so uncomfortable i cant even sleep!

It is 2 in the morning and i am unable to lie down due to indigestion What in the FRACK?????? I thought i would be able to ease into this vegan lifestyle but i am afraid i haven't a choice in the matter ANY LONGER!

If i had a sword i would fall the hell on it! I am mean, grumpy, i have no energy and little patience! My body is rejecting all that i have eaten for the last 2 days as my throat is itchy, mucus is building up as i type, and my asthma is on the cusp of being an issue again.

When i juiced, eating mostly Vegan without any diary when i first broke my juice fast, i felt euphoric, simply fantastic.  As soon as started eating wheat, diary and cheese and made no time to juice its been most horrible, i can no longer live my life like this.

I often say as black people we are not new to many things...recycling? We have been doing it for years...from Grease on the stove, to dish washing liquid being bubble bath, dish washing liquid and if times get too tough laundry detergent too.  TV knob broke, no need for repair or to throw out, where are the pliers? Cant get reception and the antenna is in disrepair...no need for a new one, where is a wire hanger?? And don't get me started on the hand me downs.

My point in this statement is simply a lot of times we have learned to just "Make Do" Car broke? Ride it til the wheels fall off? Feeling bad...keep going until its walking pneumonia and you have no choice but to stop! We have learned to "Make Do" sometimes simply out of necessity and surviving...so we learn to "make do!" But i can no longer just "make do" i have to tend to myself like the prize and miracle that i am.  And how do we treat a miracle? This question will be asked time and time again until it is embedded in me so deeply that the "make do" no longer has a resting place!

I am thankful for yet another opportunity...not to get it right...but to BE BETTER!


Respect your body...your temple!
It's been better to you, than you've been to it.
Give thanks to your body for it's life long commitment and loyalty to you!"

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

THE CRAZIES ARE BACK!!!!!

 DAY 22 DECEMBER F.L.Y. FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF CHALLENGE

Okay so i have been juicing up a storm and loving it...and then the dreams began...of lasagna, gooey pizza, cream of chipped beef, and all sorts of tom foolery. My objective was to make it to the 60 day reboot, in 10 day increments, one day at a time.

But then the crazies returned, i was consumed with the thought of F O O D! I was willing myself to go on while curled in a corner rocking back in forth chanting a Buddhist prayer and calling on the God in an ancient language...the crazies were back.

Something from the movie FAT SICK AND NEARLY DEAD rang in my ears as i was beginning to be hard on myself for not reaching my "goal" and this is the gist of it: any amount of juicing you do is a SUCCESS you can't negate the hard work and discipline it takes to accomplish 10 days of juice fasting and pour it down the drain because you didn't make it to 60? ONE DAY was better than the one you hadn't completed before you started...CRAZIES i tell you! And in my case it was 16...the next time it will be 21 or maybe 5? Who knows, but isn't some better than none? 

So here's what happen: I was working and one of my sweethearts asked what was i doing because i wasn't participating in the chat that was taking place, they were all just rambling on and i was in a daze, and if i am anything i am verbal...i told her to lay off because i was rocking in the corner trying to overcome the jerk chicken smells that were emanating from the evil laboratory below and as i was typing those words to her it hit me like a ton of bricks...IF YOU WANT TO EAT...EAT!!!!! No one said i had to put on a ski mask and go stick up a local pizza hut because i have put this self-imposed rule in my head!!!! I made the rule...so i can break it!!

And oh did i break it, once i decided that i was going to eat, i wanted to wait until the day before my wedding anniversary, then i thought why? If you want to eat, eat now, so i had brown rice, an apple and savory veggie soup and a piece of loverly jerk chicken. It was a modest and nutritious meal and i was proud that i didn't head out to the dope man (7-11) and re-up on that stuff (cheetos, chocolate bar, soda) I choose a decent meal and was happier for it.

My Second Meal was FRICKIN FANTASTIC OMG I went to this fabulous little place called THE GRIND HOUSE  I had a savory bean soup, Veggie Wrap that i could have slapped someones mama over and CHICK UN salad! D I V I N E. This was 100 percent Vegan and i loved every morsel.  I still juiced my Appletini that morning and then i had my dinner at the grind house and i was SET! 

Now my goal is to eventually be VEGAN but that dirty bird got a hold on me like nothing in the annuls of time, i believe it is something in my DNA i swear to you, but i know i can kick it, as i have before, but it will be gradual and with balance, or i may just wake up and say thats it dirty bird...take your feathers and hormones and go squawk some place else HA! What ever i decide to do it will be coming from a place of love and wanting what is best FOR ME!

I am so glad i decided to kick the crazies in the arse this time and give my body time to adjust before my 21st wedding anniversary...because it is adjusting and that wouldn't be a good look come December 27th Tehehehehehehehee :D

I can do this, this is so doable and most importantly...GOOD FOR ME and promotes SELF LOVE. I would never do to someone else the things i have done to myself, they would no longer be my friend and would want to have nothing to do with me, and i wouldn't blame them.  SO every day is a conscious decision to do better by myself because I AM WORTH IT! I will have my lasagna, and my gooey pizza but it will be vegan and with the cheese that wont have me in the ER with an asthma attack or make my allergies behave so poorly i wanna scream bloody murder! NEIGH i am loving myself these days and that requires making good choices for my spiritual mental and physical health! 


Respect your body...your temple!
It's been better to you, than you've been to it.
Give thanks to your body for it's life long commitment and loyalty to you!"

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

P.S. my heel is probably in relapse as i danced my pain away at my cousin's 40th B-Day Party last night...but dammit it was worth it! 

THE UNIVERSE HAS SOME SPLAINING TO DO!

DAY 19 DECEMBER F.L.Y. FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF CHALLENGE

Its been a long time i shouldn't left you without a strong rhyme to step to think of how many weak shows you slept through times up sorry i kept you, thinking of this you keep repeating you miss the rhymes from the microphone soloist so you sit by the radio hand on the dial soon as you hear it PUMP UP THE VOLUME...i could go on forever ERIC B FOR PRESIDENT OWWWWW!!!! Anywho, some things have been happening and the Universe has been very very busy. Dont no where to begin so lets start...at the beginning.

My last post i stated i wasn't focused on weight lost because i have a bit of an obsessive personality and it will consume me and sabotage any hope of me fully becoming whole and getting all my pieces together! So i dont even go near the scale i simply eat good foods, think good thoughts, do good deeds and what the heck can go wrong right? WRONG...i fell down the dang steps! I tore the heel of my right foot UP so much so that i HAD to go to the Emergency Room because i have watched enough ER Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and Chicago Hope to know i broke something!

Well i didn't break anything contrary to my extensive knowledge of TV medicine as the Doctor stated i would have to have jumped out of a 4-Story building in order to break the very strong CALCANEUS BONE but i had done enough damage to sit my arse down somewhere! But that wasn't the worst part...I HAD TO BE WEIGHED!!!! Dear God in Heaven why must you mock me so? 

The Nurse said do you know how much you weigh...and i am like is fat a number? eh? She was like get on the scale wise guy!!!!!! The best part is the numbers came up and this must be some new fangled scale because it was like half my body weight (ok a quarter, who am i kidding) And i was like GREAT this is Greek to me, and this WENCH gonna yell out the number! If my heel bone wasn't broke i swear i would have mule kicked her into the Labor and Delivery!

So i was devastated at the number AND what this knowledge was going to do to my Psyche? Was i gonna head to the nearest Krispy Kreme and gorge myself and give up the frickin Ghost??? Or was i gonna go on a Torture Fast Vowing never to eat again ending up in a padded cell rocking back in forth reciting lines from obscure foreign films? WHAT THE FRACK HAD THIS LADY DONE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????

Well i am happy to report she has done nothing but help me. My struggle is always one for balance, as my love affair with food is synonymous with the one i am working on having with myself, if this was a Finally Loving Yummy Goodness that is Food Challenge it would have been one post and all would be well, but this is Finally Loving Yourself Challenge, about learning and developing a relationship with food that will help me and promote self love not hurt me and promote self loathing! 

Knowing how much i weigh in no way negates the efforts that i have made and the progress i have made and am making, i am so extreme in ALL things I LOVE WITH EVERYTHING when i love, and when i hate...it aint pretty, and such a fine line with me, again struggle for balance. I am All in this journey of self discovery and mastery i am all in, and a number on scale no more defines me than the man in the moon, it is simply a guide, it lets me know HEY this isn't the product of the best self treatment is it? No? Okay, well lets do something about it.  I have to be LOVING toward myself and i would no sooner beat up a loved one who came to me about a weight issue, i would love them, i would help them settle on the best part and i would help them devise a plan to be VICTOR and not a victim...I must treat myself with the same respect, love and care. So thank you Nurse Betty! This wasn't a battle i thought i was ready for but obviously i was wrong, as i have been prone to be at some time or another! 

Its funny because i was just telling my cousin/therapist/separatedatbirther the day before how i will say a thing and then the universe will come not a second later and be like PROVE IT! And as soon as i said weight loss was a by product of healthy living and that i wasn't going to focus it on it...the universe was like PROVE IT!

Well this is Day 15 of my Juicing for Better Living, and i am here and healthy, blood pressure is great all my vitals in good order! I am sort of glad my foot is out of commission as my desire to be a zealot was thwarted, now i have to wait to really exercise and thus i wont over do it, because i simply cannot...BALANCE!

So excited about getting all my pieces that have fractured throughout this journey called life all back together again, this is SOUL's work and is not for the weary or faint of heart, the same goals i have set to accomplish material gain or educational advancement, is the fervor i have to have for my SOUL's repair! I am ALL IN! 


Respect your body...your temple!
It's been better to you, than you've been to it.
Give thanks to your body for it's life long commitment and loyalty to you!"

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

IM IN LOVE...LOVE...Baby for the first time....

DAY 13 DECEMBER F.L.Y. CHALLENGE FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF

Wanted to write because something has...changed...

I woke up on yesterday feeling like a brand new person, i can't explain the feeling other than a new love feel. I was explaining to my cousin/therapist/separtatedatbirther that it feels like being in love for the first time, like i woke up and realized someone loved the hell out of me. And she responded you have always been loved, and she is right and i joked im not talking bout that ole rusty love HA! Then we decided "vintage" was the best description (love you honey, 21 years strong!) But the new love when the sun seems brighter, and air seems crisper and the voices in your head seem clearer....who said that? LOL but seriously...Just singing in the rain Happy to be alive L O V E!

And it dawned on me, thats me loving me! I am in love and falling in love with myself, who i am, who i am becoming and who i am going to be! It is invigorating, because things are changing inside of me. And i wish i could bottle this feeling and sell it as i would be a A GAZILLIONAIRE, i know not a word, but still.

We survived the boy's party, some people didn't show up who i was hoping would be there considering i am high tailing it up out of town, i was hurt/angry, then i talked to myself and set the proper expectations, accepted my disappointment, and moved on...so refreshing to honor your feelings without the need of validation and to just move on, no worse for wear, no unkind words spoken, or negative thoughts nursed and festering. Man i tell you that Phoenix Rising Baltimore Sista Circle has grown me in so many ways and i am eternally Grateful.  

I am on my 9th Day of Juicing and feeling pretty ah-mazing! 

This juicing was initiated by a co-worker who is really more than a co-worker, she's my sweetheart, i am thankful for her and her spirit and being the vessel to propel me forward. She mentioned she would be doing it and me and another co-worker/sweetheart was like we down! We are all doing it differently and to our own level of comfort, but the energy of unity is still there, it simply so gratifying when you open your heart and you decide to lead with love, you are in line to receive so many different blessings coming from directions you never would expect.  I am expanding my breast and healing my wounds/womb with one compassionate loving act toward myself at a time, so i have been focusing on how i treat my temple. 

NOTE: Very little to do with weight loss, but much to do with what my body deserves. This is a lifestyle change for me, I havent weighed myself and i wont for some time now. When i decided to be healthy and whole, its a no brainer that weight loss is a natural by product and doesn't warrant attention...does that make sense?(insider lol)

So, 

I have been doing mostly Kale, Cucumber, Celery, Apple, Pear, Carrot, Beet, Spinach and Mint, this week i have added squash and cabbage to the mix.  I don't mix this all together. I generally have my green juice in the morning/afternoon and then my Orange/Red juice later in the day. I haven't been juicing enough as my work days have been long but i am educating myself everyday hence doing better everyday.  I can not wait to re-introduce the different meals i have been discovering during this reboot time  so that me and my family can be healthy whole and complete. Finally Loving Me!

I have always known obedience to my nature gives me self-esteem, but being who i am, obedience has NEVER come easy for me, i've been a rebel since Way Back and always looked at obedience like a noose or death sentence a way to stifle my inner wild child, whom i have grown greatly attached to and happens to think is pretty frickin Kewl, if i do say so myself, and i do.

But i realized that it is not obedience to my nature that will prohibit me but actual GIVE US US FREE!!!!! I feel confident when i submit to my nature, i feel bold, humble, sexy ALIVE! Obedience to my nature builds my self-esteem and is a constant reminder of just how miraculous i can actually be. I said before there is a miracle of me...me, just me #nofilter and i asked the question, how do you treat a miracle? 

I am working on this miracle that is me every single day CONSCIOUSLY not just going through the motions day end and day out, but CONSCIOUSLY Finally Loving Me. I prayed and meditated this morning and i noticed i didn't thank the creator for another day to get it right as i always have, but just another day to get BETTER!  

"Respect your body...your temple!
It's been better to you, than you've been to it.
Give thanks to your body for it's life long commitment and loyalty to you!"

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

I NEED TO EAT SOMETHING...

DAY 10 DECEMBER F.LY. FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF CHALLENGE

Many, Many Years ago i dreamed i had a son; he was THEE most beautiful chocolate curly head wonder you would ever lay eyes on. And he died in my arms, oh dear Lord it was tragic, i woke up with tears streaming  down my face about this lost boy whom i loved so fiercely as i could FEEL IT but had never met. 

Fast forward about 10 years later i moved to Los Angeles and this chocolate little curly head boy is walking up the stairs toward me, my son from my dream! I swear time stopped, and guess what...he had asthma? In my dream that is how my baby died, he had an asthma attack i was FLOORED. Well that little chocolate boy is now a Chocolate Man so clearly my ORACLE abilities are certainly not enough to enter the matrix about, but, very powerful, unforgettable moments for sure...

What does this have to do with loving yourself you say? Who knows, but this is what is on my soul this fine Morning, after a dastardly night! 

For months now my dreams have bombarded my sleep so vivid and MEMORABLE.  Generally my dreams are vague and they come back to me during the day like a deja vu, and i'll call a loved one and be like I dreamed of you and it will come back to me in bits and pieces.  But as of LATE i remember everything as so as i awaken and through the course of the day it may become unclear.

So this morning my dream entailed someone taking my boy! I was so distraught and mad at God in my dream i mean i was literally shaking my fist at the sky, until i just broke down in my dream and I start Yelling LORD LORD WHY LORD I CANT GO ON I CANT GO ON but in my Reverend Lonnie Love, Martin, Keenan Ivory Wayans Arsenio Hall Voice...it was so bizarre that i was screaming like that i swear i stepped out of myself in my dream to take a look at this tomfoolery taking place!  I think it woke me up because my mind couldn't handle the complexity of the comedy amidst the trauma, i actually stopped and was like this girl is a damn fool why is she crying like that? 

Once i was awake and realized i was in my own room and i had been dreaming, i also realized my son was still in his bed safe and sound (at the foot of mine, mind you) And i stumbled in the darkness like a drunken sailor collapsing on his bed and bursting into tears hugging him so tightly, He woke up instantly rubbing my back saying whats wrong mommy, mommy whats wrong? 

I couldn't stop crying imagine God Father III when his Daughter Mary was Shot Anguish! After a time, my husband was able to bring me out of my Fugue state when he simply stated with his usual calm demeanor Maria you are scaring the boy. The boy drifted off back to sleep, rousing intermittently, continuing to hug me, probably thinking this fool is crazy and obviously distraught but im sleepy, (so much like his dad.) It is a balm to my soul that as much as this child is a cantankerous old man, on the inside he is a sweet compassionate loving soul and i am so honored to be his mom. Ashe

Finally, im not crying and the boy is awake for the day, now in our bed with us and happy as usual.  But i am still so scared trying to figure out what this dream meant? I begin distracting myself with talking to the boy about his birthday and all he is going to do today (minus going to school not letting him out of my sight.)  We are getting excited about his party he is having and how he wants to invite EVERYBODY, but i am still out of my mind, so as he talks to me about the details, i am calling on the ancestors and channeling my energy for a quick one on one with the creator, silent for the first time. What a way to start my boys 4th birthday Right? Where is this coming from?

I received a text from a loved one about my move last night.  I talked to my cousin/therapist/twinsepartedatbirth and kind of worked out how the text made me feel and how the person used the things most dear to me to manipulate me into guilt or perhaps doubt i am not sure, but the point of the text was i don't need to move i need to stay put.  Now i cant fault them for honoring their feelings and letting me know how they feel about me being so far away, because they will love and will miss me and i them. However maybe they should have called their cousin/therapist/twinseparatedatbirth and worked those feelings out with them instead of projecting their Fear and doubts onto me.  

Do people believe me to be unafraid, so certain, non feeling? Am i not going to be away from my family, friends and the most awesome of support systems a girl can have? I am not unafraid and i do second guess myself and i don't know how this next step in my journey will turn out, but i can tell you one thing, Four years ago my life was MADE and all my decisions are based upon that blessing so even though i am a fly by the seat of your pants adventurous soul, my life decisions are discussed intensely and thoroughly with the Lord of All the Worlds and the Creator of Everything...and He/She is sufficient for all my needs! Whatever my Fears my Capabilities are BIGGER and where my Capabilities Falter MY GOD will take me further and that knowing is all i need.

I am not saying this text was the root of this dream but it is certainly something to consider...I have been Juice Fasting, Today is my 6th day of just consuming Fresh Pressed Fruits and Vegetables, after last night imma about to juice a steak, eggs and Supreme Praline Pecan Ice Cream, Dear Jesus be a Fence!

Happy 4th Turn in the Sun, my Son -Zawadi Farajji Ata my Gift! Mommy Loves you with every fiber of her being and will continually work everyday to love herself...because LOVE IS INFECTIOUS and she deserves it and so do you!

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

ANGER MANAGEMENT

DAY 5 DECEMBER F.L.Y. FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF CHALLENGE 

So...my boy tried to kill me....

Here's what happened (Monk Fan) Some years ago me and my sister went to Atlanta and i took my girls and baby boy! It was a fun time had by all, my boy was beating the hell out his sister from his car seat the entire ride! Thinking about it now cracks me the heck up as i envision her curled up in a ball trying to remove herself, as much as she could from his tyranny! He was a little fighter, so glad the smacking the hell out of people for no apparent reason phase is over.  But anyhoo, i get the girls their own room as they were teenagers and hadn't been to Atlanta and wanted them to feel independent and grown up and free to roam about the country. And they did...right to the pool!

So neither one of my girls can swim, but for some reason they thought it was a good idea to go to the hotel pool and almost DROWN! When my daughter told me the tale of almost drowning, i said something so inexplicably uncaring that i swear i blacked out!  MY SISTER cleaned up whatever comment i made that i am sure she remembers because i didn't remember at the time nor do i remember today? But the point was I WAS AFRAID!!!!!! I was so afraid, and so vulnerable to that feeling it made me ANGRY AS HELL! I swear i had the notion in my mind that if she would have drowned i would have KILLED HER!

Now i know that makes absolutely no damn sense, hence the title of this blog "slightly neurotic" i may have been a little generous with the slightly part but the point is...i know i have a problem (blows out match!)

So fast forward 3 years later. I take the boy to the park on Monday to ride his bike while i walk around the reservoir, i am still having a heard time breathing so i am taking it easy, but a nice walk, while he rides his bike before i go to work gives me time to exercise and spend time with my boy. The park is right across the street from my home.  My cell phone was dead and my inhaler on the 3rd floor...i figured its just a walk, i am right across the street, what could go wrong?

Well, as we are circling the reservoir the boy determines he doesn't want to ride anymore but walk, so since i didn't want to be fooling around with his bike i encourage him to race a jogger passing by...THIS FOOL has other plans, he starts off racing the unsuspecting jogger then the man veers off to run to his car and this )@*#)(#*)@(()*&! child of mine keeps rolling....

i am yelling for him to stop, come back, i started running, and laughing as he is yelling back i won!!! i won!!! i cant stop this nervous laughter and my chest continues to betray me and constrict with every step, i cant breathe worth a DAMN! I AM getting ANGRY i am cussing this little boy out in my mind and i am swearing on everything that is holy in this world that i am gonna F)(@*)(*)_@ HIS  @)*#*)( UP when i get my hands on him.

The only thing that kept me going was the vision of me pulling his pants down in broad daylight and tearing his HIDE OFF! So as i hobble around the curve of the reservoir barely damn walking, and surprised no one tried to impale me thinking i was a damn zombie from the The Walking Dead because i am sure i am dragging one foot behind me at this point! Did i mention i have no INHALER!!!!!!!!!!! I see him with his arm over his eyes, trying to hide the fact that he is crying...still riding the damn bike until he runs right into the reservoir's brick wall.  

All of my anger dissipated because one he is a damn clown, who in the hell rides a bike covering their eyes???? And two, he was alive, and all the thoughts of a stranger grabbing him or him going off the side of reservoir and rolling right onto the Frickin Jones Falls Expressway disappeared!!!  

I started to shake, as i wasn't angry but SCARED to FRICKN DEATH i mean who was gonna tell his father, who was gonna get my obituary off of facebook to keep my no account sister from screwing it up? Who? Who?  because i would have surely died?!!!!!!!

But seeing that he was just as scared halted me.  He was not afraid to be afraid and me beating the living daylights out of him would only train him to be ANGRY as me, NO SIREE BOB wanna teach him its okay to be afraid and HONOR HIS FEELINGS HIS TRUE FEELINGS!

So i made him get off his bike and walk as i threatened we would never ride again ever in life!  Well it was the most somber trek home in the world as i still couldn't breathe i did not have my cell phone and we still had more than half the reservoir to walk...a frickin Nightmare!

I walked as slow as a turtle and he even slower, i made him get back on his bike and we had a teachable moment about what it means to turn around on his bike and come back to me as this fool was going in circles, turning around...in circles...dear God get the crack out of these neighborhoods and lead out of these homes! I had not taught him a few things he needed to know, i just assumed he knew because he is so DAMNED GROWN and how horrible would it have been for me to strike my child because i am afraid and he confused and afraid as well...How many times have i been on the receiving end of such "discipline?"

This whole Hell Day at Druid Hill Park, made me realize that i am so comfortable in anger that it shields every damn thing else! My daughter didn't make me angry she made me afraid, and because she is big ole thing and not 3 years old like my son her fear didn't register to me like his did, even though my reaction to him wasn't as bad as when she almost drowned...it wasn't the best reaction either, and had he been a teenager like she was and he made me afraid like this...we would have been Kung Fu Fighting up at the good Dru Hill!

SO, as i learn to Finally Love Myself thus getting to know the woman to love, i have to leave the angry bird behind.  Being tormented for the better part of my childhood for being a dark child, with a funny voice, the birthmark in the shape of Afrika on my face that has the NERVE to be even darker than my skin and the big ole gap in my tooth, now i know that may sound horrific to those who don't know me, but im quite beautiful, if only thinking your beautiful equated to self love HA!  Anyhoo, the torment has taken its toll on me.  During my formative years i had a frickn lot to be mad about, but i learned to hide the anger when i could behind self-deprecating jokes, just humor in general and being super smart.  By the time i was in middle school i was one funny, witty mother #)%%^%@ I had learned how to shut shyt down, and i talked so damn fast you didn't know if you were coming on going.

Its funny really because then, and even now, on the inside i always have a song playing, seriously, inside of my head is like a frickin musical! At any given time my personal soundtrack consists of birds chirping, squirrels gathering acorns and i feel pretty and witty gaaaaayyyy (no homo LOL) blaring, but, all my life people have called me mean, or evil? The Frack? I have snow white and frickin seven dwarfs rolling around in here? But it takes no time at all for them suckers to turn into Buffy the Vampire Slayer and start taking heads, because i started to believe the hype, and be exactly what others were comfortable with me being!

This is why knowing myself is so crucial, and liking myself, and improving upon the things that I believe should be better FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF!  

At some point in my life i think i was about 30, i really started to say pump the brakes...and TELL PEOPLE NO that's not who i am but who YOU say i am and i don't accept it, even if i was an azzhat on yesterday i am different today i am better today and you will not compartmentalize me and project onto me your inability to allow me to grow and be better! I know it gets confusing, im a bit mystified myself, but it is what it is :D

So, sorry Danisha, Mama was afraid, and should have reacted more appropriately, hopefully the rest you can work out in therapy and not inflict this neurosis onto your children teheheheehehehee! I have to stop these generational curses and it starts with me, because my mother reacts quite similarly to uncomfortable situations, if not with anger as she is not an angry bird (thats my dad) then with apathy!  It stops right now! 

I am growing, learning, moment by moment, Minute by minute (told you i always have song in my head) hour by hour, day by day consciously deciding to love myself! And with each passing moment it will become easier and just like breathing (without an inhaler!)

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

DECEMBER IS HERE! WHOOP WHOOP

DECEMBER F.L.Y. Challenge-Finally Loving Yourself!

I am so super amped i have such wonderful souls in my life that push me further without even knowing! So a Shout out to all my SOUL MATES i love you people XOXOXXXOXXO!!!

So i bring in the month of December with the F.L.Y. Challenge! I was reading a post that read:  "When we take away one's struggles to soon, we take away their strength to FLY.  Everything is learning...strengthening." Compliments of The illustrious Dr. Melva Green and this was one of her friend's response: "FLY: Finally Loving Yourself"  it hit me like a ton of bricks, as i am thoroughly enthralled in this season of ME (whether i like it or not!) Finally...Loving...Yourself 

So on my road of self discovery and self love i have completed the November Fitness Challenge but it hasn't stop there! The November Fitness Challenge was a catalyst for change for so many of us, and even if it were only ONE that would have been sufficient! And i can claim the ONE slot for sure!

I subconsciously do things everyday that promote self-loathing, lack of self-care, which can come in many forms in my case:

Not getting proper rest KNOWING full well i can't function without it. 
Not eating properly, not exercising, not Shaun T or Tony Horton, but just taking a brisk walk during break/lunch, Tai Chi, Yoga, everything doesn't have to be training for a triathlon. 
Not thinking positive thoughts, speaking kind words to myself or others.  
Not taking the time to be STILL, meditate, pray, acknowledge a higher power, or if im having a difference of opinion with the creator as i have been known to do (DJM), acknowledge myself and the miracle that of ME! 

If i just stop to think about the miracle of me for a moment without getting crass (as i have a tendency to do from time to time, i know shocker)

• Of the millions of sperm that are ejaculated into the vagina, most die during the journey, and only one can win the race to successfully fertilise the egg.
• From a sperm’s point of view, the egg is miles away. It swims at about 2-4 milimetres per minute, and can sometimes manage to get there in under an hour

I have beaten the odds in just being created! I am Frickin Magnificent, Magnanimous, bounteous A MIRACLE, so how should i treat a miracle?

I am not about to get all preachy, cuz we be set tripping My God is better...No my God...No my God yall going to hell!!! While we look around in our communities and living in hell right now, we don't even have to look outside our doors, i kid myself our communites, how about we start in the MIRROR! 

We abuse our bodies, our minds, our souls, drink, smoke, over eat and any other way imaginable to defile our temple that according to most who reside here in these fine United States, thus, a Judeo Christian Society are taught: So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them

So, given that we go by our bibles (instead of going in them, (i crack me up) (how do i have parentheses inside parentheses) (i am a clown for sure) but i digress) If we go by our bible we are made in the creators image and likeness.  So self love should be as natural as breathing right? Well, since i haven't gotten to that vibration yet i am going to make a conscious effort to re-direct my energies, thus my actions to re-align myself with myself MY TRUE SELF not what this world has made me! 

So for my December F.L.Y Finally Loving Yourself Challenge, I am writing out actions that i must perform daily that promote SELF LOVE and this is what my list will look like as i don't mind sharing!

MEDITATION/PRAYER-me and my relationship with my Creator has been a tumultuous one to say the least, i am working very hard (in my mind) to get it together as that is the Matrix of my evolution.  There is a story in the bible when God came to Visit Abraham and Sarah with his two companions and so being God and showing up unannounced Abraham starts to scramble around getting water to wash God's feet, trying to find food to feed God and his Companions, so as Abraham is finding grain to make bread and animals to slaughter to add to the menu, God asks, where is Sarah, and Abraham responds she is in the house. God then told Abraham, Sarah would have a child...and at this point they were old...i mean tales of the Crypt old, and Sarah laughed over hearing the conversation and thought to herself this dude is tripping (im ad libbing here) And God was like nah you tripping, why are you laughing (again ad libbing) , and Sarah was like, i wasn't laughing? And then God was like, and then she was like, and then God was like...my point is Our Creator can indeed make a way out of no way "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" i dare say NO! And even if it seems that way for me, when i reposition my thoughts and my energies and stay plugged into the source, there is NOTHING i cant accomplish, and that alone gets me giddy!

USING LOTION DJM what may seem simple for some, not so much for me, i be ashy as 8 Afrikans, not properly maintaining my skin is a form of neglect, it is my body's biggest organ, and i can make a hundred and one reasons on why i don't, can't, and its all poppy cock, invest in a good product and in the infamous words of Tim Gunn, Make it Work-I AM WORTH soft supple skin as i love soft skin, so why not start with my own?

TAKING TIME FOR ME-reconnecting with my inner child (and she was mad as hell let me tell you) But she was also funny, and loving and loyal and generous and witty and SHE still is, i am going to get re-acquainted with her, and heal her and love her and remember the things she enjoyed that made her happy and start participating in activities BY MYSELF that MAKE ME HAPPY and BRING ME JOY. Things that i stopped finding time for-I AM WORTH making myself happy, as its an inside job!

UNPLUGGING-I watch far too much TV and it keeps me up at night, and i need REST! So i am turning off cell phones, computers, tablets and any other distracting electronic items when it is time for me to retire. I will drift off into the sweet sweet nectar of slumber without the outside world bombarding my spirit and my mind-I AM WORTH a refreshing Sleep and energized Morning

DAILY EXERCISE-even if it running around with my boy, i will move these limbs as they are made to move and not be sedentary, Walking, Running, Biking, Turbo Jamming, P90xing, Stepping, Dancing-movement-I AM WORTH a fit and fine, healthy body!

EMIT GOOD POSITIVE VIBRATIONS- and with that i will leave you with this:

Everything is energy.
You....are energy. 
You are a wireless device. 
You are emitting your own frequency.
Your frequency, emits an overall signal and vibration to the world.

You get back and attract the things that match your frequency's signal.

If you want to receive different results than what surrounds your current reality, you will need to shift your energy, focus, frequency, and vibration....
A.k.a....your thoughts & the way you think.... your feelings & the way you feel, your focus & what you repeatedly focus on, your habits - what you habitually do,
and your emotions - the way you master/control them.

You contain and always have the power within you,
the power to master and control your life-
by raising your energy, your thoughts, your vibration, and your frequency.

The power is yours!

-Supanova Slom

WHAT WILL YOU DO FOR YOURSELF FOR THE MONTH OF DECEMBER AND EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIFE HENCEFORWARD TO PROMOTE SELF-LOVE?  I am promoting Self-Love...Second to Second, Moment to Moment,  Day to Day, until i am the best version of me Finally Loving Yourself!

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!
**no actual Afrikans have been harmed in the making of this blog**

THE LAST DAY OF NOVEMBER...i think

So i am lying in bed, sleep, minding my own business! First night my sleep had not been bombarded with dreams in WEEKS and the fire alarm goes off...it's 3 o clock in the morning Where you gonna be, OUTside on the corner! Im sorry i digress (a few hip hop heads will know that one, and i know its actually 5 o'clock) Anyhoo, the alarm goes off my husband is not in the bed and i hear walking all around, im like okay am i gonna have to go Mossad Style up in this mickey fickey? So, being who i am a whole scenario goes through my head of what is about to go the EFF down! Fast forward 15 minutes....

My husband is the source of the fire alarm (cleaning the oven after baking a boat load of pies) And my Krav Maga will have to remain on reserve to be used another day! So, its smokey, im up and pissed as i can barely get to sleep in the frickin first place and so i start to watch one of all time favorite movies The First Wives Club and its toward the end, so i start prowling Facebook as i cant think of a better word then prowling this time of morning, but nothing and I MEAN NOTHING is without purpose! 

I have a dear Mentor who has transitioned from this life and she taught me something at a very young age, well one thing was if you awaken in the night you should pray, not flip on The First Wives Club, but as importantly, sometimes you have to be still, and when you are presented with opportunities (ie. being choked out of my sleep by BlackChef) challenges, or simply just a moment in time all your own, determine what is in it for you, to learn from, to grow from, as nothing is without purpose!

I have already decided some things need to change for the better and have consciously began to work toward it. During this fragile time and transition things have been murky, uncertain, frustrating and downright confusing.  Without the correct positioning of my mind and energy i saw set backs as failures and a lot of my past experiences were obscuring my future experiences, my present experiences and causing me to falter.  I saw a post today that resonated with me...Use the Past as a Learning Experience and then GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! 

I see this two ways, the first one, naturally, moving forward and not dwelling in the past.  But the second, and most important to me at this time is to LITERALLY...get the HELL OUT ie. doubt, fear, self loathing, hurt, pain, disappointment, judgment, negativity, self-deprecation, and my all time favorite THE SIN OF IGNORANCE...what is the sin of ignorance you say? That will be for another post but the point is GET THE HELL OUT...allow the deepest darkest succubus to surface and move up out of ME...Banish it (Charmed Fan) never to hold power over me again...THAT is a process and like my dear Sister Told me at the my Last PHOENIX RISING BALTIMORE SISTER CIRCLE its about PROGRESS not perfection!

So right before i had determined i needed to BE STILL this is the OPPORTUNITY AND GROWTH MOMENT WAS AFFORDED TO ME...This may be the Last Day of the November Fitness Challenge but this is a new day and new time i have never been in before, what i did yesterday is a lesson that cannot be altered, but Today? Today is as good a day as any to continue my journey of self love, so this isn't over, but on the contrary...just the beginning! Take the time and Check out the above link.

I am so excited i wanna FLY Finally.Loving.Yourself...join me

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

I inspire ME....

I Inspire me...

The Poem below was a part of an assignment for PHOENIX RISING BALTIMORE an organization i have co-founded for survivors of sexual abuse, assault and molestation.  One of my sisters, after reading my blog yesterday told me to re-read one of my  post from this blog for inspiration as yesterdays entry seemed kind of off putting i suppose. So i started to read some of my old workshops instead; that i have facilitated and/or been an active member of, and this is a writing i have found, it inspired me... so i thought i'd share

When I see myself I smile, smile at the girl I have become, despite your bullshit, despite your self-hatred and all the things you said I would never be, u can't touch me

When I see you I smile, smile at the fact that your self loathing only stunted my ability to love myself for awhile, smile at the fact that all the years I faked loving myself eventually paid off cuz you cant hold me

When I see myself I smile, because I no longer see you looking back at me in the mirror, I no longer have this noose around my neck, this anchor around my waist this anvil dropping on my head, u can't be me

I am free from your grasp, your reach isn't long enough your arms aren’t strong enough your mind aint grand enough you can’t hold me

I smile at all the years I thought I wasted, but it wasn’t a waste I was incubating, learning, growing, wising up, becoming all God Intended when he breathed his breath of life into me filling my lungs, molding my mind, shaping my thoughts, strengthening my faith, giving me the necessary time, the necessary trials, the necessary test to become ME

I know you may not SEE me, you think im insignificant, rag tagged, banged up, nothing, but thats simply transference…you looking through your jaundiced infected cancerous eyes

while im dawning pink rosed spectacles, laughing out loud and smiling on the inside, loving me through and through

even on my darkest of days when I’m foolish enough to think I have been forsaken,

it only last for a moment

it lasts long enough for me to remember the song in my heart

that you haven’t the fortitude to touch,

just long enough to think of the life I am able to live because of WHO I AM…

not the life you thought I should be living because of what you did

you can’t touch me,  because when I see myself I smile, smile at the girl I have become, despite all of your bullshit, because im not lookn for you to love me, validate me or empower me... I AM POWER and have been since the day i born...

One Day these words wont be something i aspire to, but something i live consistently day in and day out...

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

I HAVE BEEN BRUNG LOW...

DAY WHO GIVES A DAMN ANYMORE...

So i have fallen off the wagon it has circle around and gained a significant amount of speed i believe another horse was added for momentum's sake and it has run me down...twice!

Now mind you these are all excuses and i am fully aware but i must, i owe it to my 2 loyal readers (Tams & Cherles) to give the low down on what is taking place!

Firstly we are moving, so in our feeble attempt to see everyone before we move off this coast we have volunteered to do such and such and so and so, and with my work schedule being as it is, i am already in a deficit as time is concerned. 

So me and he hubs have been painting, and i am talking custom, and if anyone is familiar with what it takes to roll out obscenely tall ceilings, you can concur if you will, that it is some frickin serious exercise going on. So i wasn't worried about the exercise portion. (now that i think about it that may also have contributed to my Typhoid incident? Curiouser and Curiouser)

Then We had to move everything for the "Estate" Sale taking place at my home. No one died no need for alarm, but i like "Estate" better than "Yard/Garage" sale, well needless to say we have a 6 bedroom 4 bath home and when i tell you i think Harriet Tubman may have hid in my basement during the underground railroad i would not be exaggerating! My house is huge, drafty and old and all the dust and typhoid flying about has brought me low. 

I have been eating horribly due to laziness and self sabotaging tendencies and having to use my nebulizer 3 times a day as my lungs have decided to take their leave and rightfully so given their improper treatment! So the games are afoot...my psychosis, the dust mites/typhoid and my allergies...what a cocktail!

So i am convalescing to work out another day. I started to dance today but decided i did not want to press my luck, as i only have needed a treatment once today so far, as my wheezing woke me from my slumber this morning. This is getting serial and I cant afford time off or hospital bills so i will lay low.

Since i have abused my privilege i must change my diet  and remove all wheat, dairy, citrus and every berry this side of the Mississippi, as that will improve my state significantly (back to the basics).  I am going to learn to love myself and do what is best for ME if it Kills me, and even if it does, i cant think of a worthier cause (well maybe a few!)

So to top off my many self induced ailments, my emotions have bested me as this was in my inbox from someone i love so dearly: I hear you and Bro. David are living the city. say it isn`t so. You will truly be missed, although facebook is close. (smile) Have a wonderful new life, continue to enjoy your husband(still miss mine.) and keep love alive.
Love you Sis. maria and I have grown to love and respect your husband too.
Tell him to leave me some bean pies or give me the recipe.(ha.) Dang, why do the good ones leave? Why? 

Well this was the first time i cried since we decided we were making the big move, as i am an adventurer at heart but i will sorely miss my fam! So, needless to say i am all over the place, much like this post Teheheheheheheheeheheheehehehe.

I swear before Jesus Christ and the Church of the Latter Day Saints I will get to the best version of myself!
I always ponder why i spend so much time on my boy to tend to his needs, all my children really, not my girls anymore as they are off raising their own children, but i was obsessive about those heathens too, trying to keep them from this that and the third...making sure they rest properly, eat properly, properly clothed and entertained. And the reason is simple, it is because i believe they are WORTH IT! I have Faith and Hope that if i do right by them they will be an asset to this world and make it better with their time and talents.

Why don't i have the same hope and faith in myself, what is preventing ME from seeing and appreciating my own WORTH? I expect others to treat me with a modicum of respect and reverence, should my expectations of myself be less than...i tell you i wrote this to my sister today in a text. i love this girl like a heartbeat, but i must INternalize these words and work towards that ever elusive SELF LOVE: "Don't be afraid of the Season of ME, as it may have record breaking highs or lows but it is your Season, so dress warmly or take it all off, either way the end result will be Spectacular!" (should use quotation marks when i am referencing myself?) 

Anyhow, This is my Season of ME and i wont stop this journey no matter how torrential the rains, blistering the cold or blazing the sun...this is my Season

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!