ANGER MANAGEMENT

DAY 5 DECEMBER F.L.Y. FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF CHALLENGE 

So...my boy tried to kill me....

Here's what happened (Monk Fan) Some years ago me and my sister went to Atlanta and i took my girls and baby boy! It was a fun time had by all, my boy was beating the hell out his sister from his car seat the entire ride! Thinking about it now cracks me the heck up as i envision her curled up in a ball trying to remove herself, as much as she could from his tyranny! He was a little fighter, so glad the smacking the hell out of people for no apparent reason phase is over.  But anyhoo, i get the girls their own room as they were teenagers and hadn't been to Atlanta and wanted them to feel independent and grown up and free to roam about the country. And they did...right to the pool!

So neither one of my girls can swim, but for some reason they thought it was a good idea to go to the hotel pool and almost DROWN! When my daughter told me the tale of almost drowning, i said something so inexplicably uncaring that i swear i blacked out!  MY SISTER cleaned up whatever comment i made that i am sure she remembers because i didn't remember at the time nor do i remember today? But the point was I WAS AFRAID!!!!!! I was so afraid, and so vulnerable to that feeling it made me ANGRY AS HELL! I swear i had the notion in my mind that if she would have drowned i would have KILLED HER!

Now i know that makes absolutely no damn sense, hence the title of this blog "slightly neurotic" i may have been a little generous with the slightly part but the point is...i know i have a problem (blows out match!)

So fast forward 3 years later. I take the boy to the park on Monday to ride his bike while i walk around the reservoir, i am still having a heard time breathing so i am taking it easy, but a nice walk, while he rides his bike before i go to work gives me time to exercise and spend time with my boy. The park is right across the street from my home.  My cell phone was dead and my inhaler on the 3rd floor...i figured its just a walk, i am right across the street, what could go wrong?

Well, as we are circling the reservoir the boy determines he doesn't want to ride anymore but walk, so since i didn't want to be fooling around with his bike i encourage him to race a jogger passing by...THIS FOOL has other plans, he starts off racing the unsuspecting jogger then the man veers off to run to his car and this )@*#)(#*)@(()*&! child of mine keeps rolling....

i am yelling for him to stop, come back, i started running, and laughing as he is yelling back i won!!! i won!!! i cant stop this nervous laughter and my chest continues to betray me and constrict with every step, i cant breathe worth a DAMN! I AM getting ANGRY i am cussing this little boy out in my mind and i am swearing on everything that is holy in this world that i am gonna F)(@*)(*)_@ HIS  @)*#*)( UP when i get my hands on him.

The only thing that kept me going was the vision of me pulling his pants down in broad daylight and tearing his HIDE OFF! So as i hobble around the curve of the reservoir barely damn walking, and surprised no one tried to impale me thinking i was a damn zombie from the The Walking Dead because i am sure i am dragging one foot behind me at this point! Did i mention i have no INHALER!!!!!!!!!!! I see him with his arm over his eyes, trying to hide the fact that he is crying...still riding the damn bike until he runs right into the reservoir's brick wall.  

All of my anger dissipated because one he is a damn clown, who in the hell rides a bike covering their eyes???? And two, he was alive, and all the thoughts of a stranger grabbing him or him going off the side of reservoir and rolling right onto the Frickin Jones Falls Expressway disappeared!!!  

I started to shake, as i wasn't angry but SCARED to FRICKN DEATH i mean who was gonna tell his father, who was gonna get my obituary off of facebook to keep my no account sister from screwing it up? Who? Who?  because i would have surely died?!!!!!!!

But seeing that he was just as scared halted me.  He was not afraid to be afraid and me beating the living daylights out of him would only train him to be ANGRY as me, NO SIREE BOB wanna teach him its okay to be afraid and HONOR HIS FEELINGS HIS TRUE FEELINGS!

So i made him get off his bike and walk as i threatened we would never ride again ever in life!  Well it was the most somber trek home in the world as i still couldn't breathe i did not have my cell phone and we still had more than half the reservoir to walk...a frickin Nightmare!

I walked as slow as a turtle and he even slower, i made him get back on his bike and we had a teachable moment about what it means to turn around on his bike and come back to me as this fool was going in circles, turning around...in circles...dear God get the crack out of these neighborhoods and lead out of these homes! I had not taught him a few things he needed to know, i just assumed he knew because he is so DAMNED GROWN and how horrible would it have been for me to strike my child because i am afraid and he confused and afraid as well...How many times have i been on the receiving end of such "discipline?"

This whole Hell Day at Druid Hill Park, made me realize that i am so comfortable in anger that it shields every damn thing else! My daughter didn't make me angry she made me afraid, and because she is big ole thing and not 3 years old like my son her fear didn't register to me like his did, even though my reaction to him wasn't as bad as when she almost drowned...it wasn't the best reaction either, and had he been a teenager like she was and he made me afraid like this...we would have been Kung Fu Fighting up at the good Dru Hill!

SO, as i learn to Finally Love Myself thus getting to know the woman to love, i have to leave the angry bird behind.  Being tormented for the better part of my childhood for being a dark child, with a funny voice, the birthmark in the shape of Afrika on my face that has the NERVE to be even darker than my skin and the big ole gap in my tooth, now i know that may sound horrific to those who don't know me, but im quite beautiful, if only thinking your beautiful equated to self love HA!  Anyhoo, the torment has taken its toll on me.  During my formative years i had a frickn lot to be mad about, but i learned to hide the anger when i could behind self-deprecating jokes, just humor in general and being super smart.  By the time i was in middle school i was one funny, witty mother #)%%^%@ I had learned how to shut shyt down, and i talked so damn fast you didn't know if you were coming on going.

Its funny really because then, and even now, on the inside i always have a song playing, seriously, inside of my head is like a frickin musical! At any given time my personal soundtrack consists of birds chirping, squirrels gathering acorns and i feel pretty and witty gaaaaayyyy (no homo LOL) blaring, but, all my life people have called me mean, or evil? The Frack? I have snow white and frickin seven dwarfs rolling around in here? But it takes no time at all for them suckers to turn into Buffy the Vampire Slayer and start taking heads, because i started to believe the hype, and be exactly what others were comfortable with me being!

This is why knowing myself is so crucial, and liking myself, and improving upon the things that I believe should be better FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF!  

At some point in my life i think i was about 30, i really started to say pump the brakes...and TELL PEOPLE NO that's not who i am but who YOU say i am and i don't accept it, even if i was an azzhat on yesterday i am different today i am better today and you will not compartmentalize me and project onto me your inability to allow me to grow and be better! I know it gets confusing, im a bit mystified myself, but it is what it is :D

So, sorry Danisha, Mama was afraid, and should have reacted more appropriately, hopefully the rest you can work out in therapy and not inflict this neurosis onto your children teheheheehehehee! I have to stop these generational curses and it starts with me, because my mother reacts quite similarly to uncomfortable situations, if not with anger as she is not an angry bird (thats my dad) then with apathy!  It stops right now! 

I am growing, learning, moment by moment, Minute by minute (told you i always have song in my head) hour by hour, day by day consciously deciding to love myself! And with each passing moment it will become easier and just like breathing (without an inhaler!)

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

DECEMBER IS HERE! WHOOP WHOOP

DECEMBER F.L.Y. Challenge-Finally Loving Yourself!

I am so super amped i have such wonderful souls in my life that push me further without even knowing! So a Shout out to all my SOUL MATES i love you people XOXOXXXOXXO!!!

So i bring in the month of December with the F.L.Y. Challenge! I was reading a post that read:  "When we take away one's struggles to soon, we take away their strength to FLY.  Everything is learning...strengthening." Compliments of The illustrious Dr. Melva Green and this was one of her friend's response: "FLY: Finally Loving Yourself"  it hit me like a ton of bricks, as i am thoroughly enthralled in this season of ME (whether i like it or not!) Finally...Loving...Yourself 

So on my road of self discovery and self love i have completed the November Fitness Challenge but it hasn't stop there! The November Fitness Challenge was a catalyst for change for so many of us, and even if it were only ONE that would have been sufficient! And i can claim the ONE slot for sure!

I subconsciously do things everyday that promote self-loathing, lack of self-care, which can come in many forms in my case:

Not getting proper rest KNOWING full well i can't function without it. 
Not eating properly, not exercising, not Shaun T or Tony Horton, but just taking a brisk walk during break/lunch, Tai Chi, Yoga, everything doesn't have to be training for a triathlon. 
Not thinking positive thoughts, speaking kind words to myself or others.  
Not taking the time to be STILL, meditate, pray, acknowledge a higher power, or if im having a difference of opinion with the creator as i have been known to do (DJM), acknowledge myself and the miracle that of ME! 

If i just stop to think about the miracle of me for a moment without getting crass (as i have a tendency to do from time to time, i know shocker)

• Of the millions of sperm that are ejaculated into the vagina, most die during the journey, and only one can win the race to successfully fertilise the egg.
• From a sperm’s point of view, the egg is miles away. It swims at about 2-4 milimetres per minute, and can sometimes manage to get there in under an hour

I have beaten the odds in just being created! I am Frickin Magnificent, Magnanimous, bounteous A MIRACLE, so how should i treat a miracle?

I am not about to get all preachy, cuz we be set tripping My God is better...No my God...No my God yall going to hell!!! While we look around in our communities and living in hell right now, we don't even have to look outside our doors, i kid myself our communites, how about we start in the MIRROR! 

We abuse our bodies, our minds, our souls, drink, smoke, over eat and any other way imaginable to defile our temple that according to most who reside here in these fine United States, thus, a Judeo Christian Society are taught: So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them

So, given that we go by our bibles (instead of going in them, (i crack me up) (how do i have parentheses inside parentheses) (i am a clown for sure) but i digress) If we go by our bible we are made in the creators image and likeness.  So self love should be as natural as breathing right? Well, since i haven't gotten to that vibration yet i am going to make a conscious effort to re-direct my energies, thus my actions to re-align myself with myself MY TRUE SELF not what this world has made me! 

So for my December F.L.Y Finally Loving Yourself Challenge, I am writing out actions that i must perform daily that promote SELF LOVE and this is what my list will look like as i don't mind sharing!

MEDITATION/PRAYER-me and my relationship with my Creator has been a tumultuous one to say the least, i am working very hard (in my mind) to get it together as that is the Matrix of my evolution.  There is a story in the bible when God came to Visit Abraham and Sarah with his two companions and so being God and showing up unannounced Abraham starts to scramble around getting water to wash God's feet, trying to find food to feed God and his Companions, so as Abraham is finding grain to make bread and animals to slaughter to add to the menu, God asks, where is Sarah, and Abraham responds she is in the house. God then told Abraham, Sarah would have a child...and at this point they were old...i mean tales of the Crypt old, and Sarah laughed over hearing the conversation and thought to herself this dude is tripping (im ad libbing here) And God was like nah you tripping, why are you laughing (again ad libbing) , and Sarah was like, i wasn't laughing? And then God was like, and then she was like, and then God was like...my point is Our Creator can indeed make a way out of no way "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" i dare say NO! And even if it seems that way for me, when i reposition my thoughts and my energies and stay plugged into the source, there is NOTHING i cant accomplish, and that alone gets me giddy!

USING LOTION DJM what may seem simple for some, not so much for me, i be ashy as 8 Afrikans, not properly maintaining my skin is a form of neglect, it is my body's biggest organ, and i can make a hundred and one reasons on why i don't, can't, and its all poppy cock, invest in a good product and in the infamous words of Tim Gunn, Make it Work-I AM WORTH soft supple skin as i love soft skin, so why not start with my own?

TAKING TIME FOR ME-reconnecting with my inner child (and she was mad as hell let me tell you) But she was also funny, and loving and loyal and generous and witty and SHE still is, i am going to get re-acquainted with her, and heal her and love her and remember the things she enjoyed that made her happy and start participating in activities BY MYSELF that MAKE ME HAPPY and BRING ME JOY. Things that i stopped finding time for-I AM WORTH making myself happy, as its an inside job!

UNPLUGGING-I watch far too much TV and it keeps me up at night, and i need REST! So i am turning off cell phones, computers, tablets and any other distracting electronic items when it is time for me to retire. I will drift off into the sweet sweet nectar of slumber without the outside world bombarding my spirit and my mind-I AM WORTH a refreshing Sleep and energized Morning

DAILY EXERCISE-even if it running around with my boy, i will move these limbs as they are made to move and not be sedentary, Walking, Running, Biking, Turbo Jamming, P90xing, Stepping, Dancing-movement-I AM WORTH a fit and fine, healthy body!

EMIT GOOD POSITIVE VIBRATIONS- and with that i will leave you with this:

Everything is energy.
You....are energy. 
You are a wireless device. 
You are emitting your own frequency.
Your frequency, emits an overall signal and vibration to the world.

You get back and attract the things that match your frequency's signal.

If you want to receive different results than what surrounds your current reality, you will need to shift your energy, focus, frequency, and vibration....
A.k.a....your thoughts & the way you think.... your feelings & the way you feel, your focus & what you repeatedly focus on, your habits - what you habitually do,
and your emotions - the way you master/control them.

You contain and always have the power within you,
the power to master and control your life-
by raising your energy, your thoughts, your vibration, and your frequency.

The power is yours!

-Supanova Slom

WHAT WILL YOU DO FOR YOURSELF FOR THE MONTH OF DECEMBER AND EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIFE HENCEFORWARD TO PROMOTE SELF-LOVE?  I am promoting Self-Love...Second to Second, Moment to Moment,  Day to Day, until i am the best version of me Finally Loving Yourself!

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!
**no actual Afrikans have been harmed in the making of this blog**

THE LAST DAY OF NOVEMBER...i think

So i am lying in bed, sleep, minding my own business! First night my sleep had not been bombarded with dreams in WEEKS and the fire alarm goes off...it's 3 o clock in the morning Where you gonna be, OUTside on the corner! Im sorry i digress (a few hip hop heads will know that one, and i know its actually 5 o'clock) Anyhoo, the alarm goes off my husband is not in the bed and i hear walking all around, im like okay am i gonna have to go Mossad Style up in this mickey fickey? So, being who i am a whole scenario goes through my head of what is about to go the EFF down! Fast forward 15 minutes....

My husband is the source of the fire alarm (cleaning the oven after baking a boat load of pies) And my Krav Maga will have to remain on reserve to be used another day! So, its smokey, im up and pissed as i can barely get to sleep in the frickin first place and so i start to watch one of all time favorite movies The First Wives Club and its toward the end, so i start prowling Facebook as i cant think of a better word then prowling this time of morning, but nothing and I MEAN NOTHING is without purpose! 

I have a dear Mentor who has transitioned from this life and she taught me something at a very young age, well one thing was if you awaken in the night you should pray, not flip on The First Wives Club, but as importantly, sometimes you have to be still, and when you are presented with opportunities (ie. being choked out of my sleep by BlackChef) challenges, or simply just a moment in time all your own, determine what is in it for you, to learn from, to grow from, as nothing is without purpose!

I have already decided some things need to change for the better and have consciously began to work toward it. During this fragile time and transition things have been murky, uncertain, frustrating and downright confusing.  Without the correct positioning of my mind and energy i saw set backs as failures and a lot of my past experiences were obscuring my future experiences, my present experiences and causing me to falter.  I saw a post today that resonated with me...Use the Past as a Learning Experience and then GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! 

I see this two ways, the first one, naturally, moving forward and not dwelling in the past.  But the second, and most important to me at this time is to LITERALLY...get the HELL OUT ie. doubt, fear, self loathing, hurt, pain, disappointment, judgment, negativity, self-deprecation, and my all time favorite THE SIN OF IGNORANCE...what is the sin of ignorance you say? That will be for another post but the point is GET THE HELL OUT...allow the deepest darkest succubus to surface and move up out of ME...Banish it (Charmed Fan) never to hold power over me again...THAT is a process and like my dear Sister Told me at the my Last PHOENIX RISING BALTIMORE SISTER CIRCLE its about PROGRESS not perfection!

So right before i had determined i needed to BE STILL this is the OPPORTUNITY AND GROWTH MOMENT WAS AFFORDED TO ME...This may be the Last Day of the November Fitness Challenge but this is a new day and new time i have never been in before, what i did yesterday is a lesson that cannot be altered, but Today? Today is as good a day as any to continue my journey of self love, so this isn't over, but on the contrary...just the beginning! Take the time and Check out the above link.

I am so excited i wanna FLY Finally.Loving.Yourself...join me

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

I inspire ME....

I Inspire me...

The Poem below was a part of an assignment for PHOENIX RISING BALTIMORE an organization i have co-founded for survivors of sexual abuse, assault and molestation.  One of my sisters, after reading my blog yesterday told me to re-read one of my  post from this blog for inspiration as yesterdays entry seemed kind of off putting i suppose. So i started to read some of my old workshops instead; that i have facilitated and/or been an active member of, and this is a writing i have found, it inspired me... so i thought i'd share

When I see myself I smile, smile at the girl I have become, despite your bullshit, despite your self-hatred and all the things you said I would never be, u can't touch me

When I see you I smile, smile at the fact that your self loathing only stunted my ability to love myself for awhile, smile at the fact that all the years I faked loving myself eventually paid off cuz you cant hold me

When I see myself I smile, because I no longer see you looking back at me in the mirror, I no longer have this noose around my neck, this anchor around my waist this anvil dropping on my head, u can't be me

I am free from your grasp, your reach isn't long enough your arms aren’t strong enough your mind aint grand enough you can’t hold me

I smile at all the years I thought I wasted, but it wasn’t a waste I was incubating, learning, growing, wising up, becoming all God Intended when he breathed his breath of life into me filling my lungs, molding my mind, shaping my thoughts, strengthening my faith, giving me the necessary time, the necessary trials, the necessary test to become ME

I know you may not SEE me, you think im insignificant, rag tagged, banged up, nothing, but thats simply transference…you looking through your jaundiced infected cancerous eyes

while im dawning pink rosed spectacles, laughing out loud and smiling on the inside, loving me through and through

even on my darkest of days when I’m foolish enough to think I have been forsaken,

it only last for a moment

it lasts long enough for me to remember the song in my heart

that you haven’t the fortitude to touch,

just long enough to think of the life I am able to live because of WHO I AM…

not the life you thought I should be living because of what you did

you can’t touch me,  because when I see myself I smile, smile at the girl I have become, despite all of your bullshit, because im not lookn for you to love me, validate me or empower me... I AM POWER and have been since the day i born...

One Day these words wont be something i aspire to, but something i live consistently day in and day out...

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

I HAVE BEEN BRUNG LOW...

DAY WHO GIVES A DAMN ANYMORE...

So i have fallen off the wagon it has circle around and gained a significant amount of speed i believe another horse was added for momentum's sake and it has run me down...twice!

Now mind you these are all excuses and i am fully aware but i must, i owe it to my 2 loyal readers (Tams & Cherles) to give the low down on what is taking place!

Firstly we are moving, so in our feeble attempt to see everyone before we move off this coast we have volunteered to do such and such and so and so, and with my work schedule being as it is, i am already in a deficit as time is concerned. 

So me and he hubs have been painting, and i am talking custom, and if anyone is familiar with what it takes to roll out obscenely tall ceilings, you can concur if you will, that it is some frickin serious exercise going on. So i wasn't worried about the exercise portion. (now that i think about it that may also have contributed to my Typhoid incident? Curiouser and Curiouser)

Then We had to move everything for the "Estate" Sale taking place at my home. No one died no need for alarm, but i like "Estate" better than "Yard/Garage" sale, well needless to say we have a 6 bedroom 4 bath home and when i tell you i think Harriet Tubman may have hid in my basement during the underground railroad i would not be exaggerating! My house is huge, drafty and old and all the dust and typhoid flying about has brought me low. 

I have been eating horribly due to laziness and self sabotaging tendencies and having to use my nebulizer 3 times a day as my lungs have decided to take their leave and rightfully so given their improper treatment! So the games are afoot...my psychosis, the dust mites/typhoid and my allergies...what a cocktail!

So i am convalescing to work out another day. I started to dance today but decided i did not want to press my luck, as i only have needed a treatment once today so far, as my wheezing woke me from my slumber this morning. This is getting serial and I cant afford time off or hospital bills so i will lay low.

Since i have abused my privilege i must change my diet  and remove all wheat, dairy, citrus and every berry this side of the Mississippi, as that will improve my state significantly (back to the basics).  I am going to learn to love myself and do what is best for ME if it Kills me, and even if it does, i cant think of a worthier cause (well maybe a few!)

So to top off my many self induced ailments, my emotions have bested me as this was in my inbox from someone i love so dearly: I hear you and Bro. David are living the city. say it isn`t so. You will truly be missed, although facebook is close. (smile) Have a wonderful new life, continue to enjoy your husband(still miss mine.) and keep love alive.
Love you Sis. maria and I have grown to love and respect your husband too.
Tell him to leave me some bean pies or give me the recipe.(ha.) Dang, why do the good ones leave? Why? 

Well this was the first time i cried since we decided we were making the big move, as i am an adventurer at heart but i will sorely miss my fam! So, needless to say i am all over the place, much like this post Teheheheheheheheeheheheehehehe.

I swear before Jesus Christ and the Church of the Latter Day Saints I will get to the best version of myself!
I always ponder why i spend so much time on my boy to tend to his needs, all my children really, not my girls anymore as they are off raising their own children, but i was obsessive about those heathens too, trying to keep them from this that and the third...making sure they rest properly, eat properly, properly clothed and entertained. And the reason is simple, it is because i believe they are WORTH IT! I have Faith and Hope that if i do right by them they will be an asset to this world and make it better with their time and talents.

Why don't i have the same hope and faith in myself, what is preventing ME from seeing and appreciating my own WORTH? I expect others to treat me with a modicum of respect and reverence, should my expectations of myself be less than...i tell you i wrote this to my sister today in a text. i love this girl like a heartbeat, but i must INternalize these words and work towards that ever elusive SELF LOVE: "Don't be afraid of the Season of ME, as it may have record breaking highs or lows but it is your Season, so dress warmly or take it all off, either way the end result will be Spectacular!" (should use quotation marks when i am referencing myself?) 

Anyhow, This is my Season of ME and i wont stop this journey no matter how torrential the rains, blistering the cold or blazing the sun...this is my Season

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

Home of the Wire Chicken Boxes 1/2 & 1/2's and Urban Belly Dancers

DAY ???????? NOVEMBER FITNESS CHALLENGE

Okay we are on Day who knows what, i havent been blogging but i have been working out and some strange turn of events have taken place so i thought i would share! 

Firstly i been Turbo Jamming like a mug and i LOVE IT only doing the Cardio Party and the Finesse is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE my husband video taped it ridiculously but you get the gist of it, just turn your head sideways (what a boob) Gotta love him...and i do!

So i have been doing that for days because i love it so no sense in boring the heck out you people with it, and when i say you people...i mean you people! HA!

Secondly, 

I had my LADY SINGS THE BLUES GIVE IT TO ME MOMENT i swear before everything all i could see was Billy Dee Williams up in here bout some soda, i am addicted! I swear i was sweating and waiting at the door for my husband with a knife like Diana Ross...don't come up in here with out my soda, chips and ice cream, well the ice cream was really italian ice and its 100 percent fruit and 80 calories, so that was okay...but the soda not so much! HA!

I drank 2 bottles, one, on Thursday Night and One today, Ginger Ale Green Tea (deceptive intelligence) and Champagne Kola! Other than that my eating has been pretty steady, Soup, Salad, Fish or Veggies etc. and pretty dang good til my husband tried to fried some brussel sprouts...Dear Jesus be a Fence! 

Thirdly, i believe today was a turning point for me in so many ways! I actually ran today! My husband and I dropped our son off, and it was all last minute he was leaving and was like hurry up and get dressed, im like okay through my fanny pack (yes i said Fanny Pack DJM) WHICH NOW FITS! My lovely fleece yoga pants that i think are super duper sexy...other women may like silks, cashmeres, linens I LOVE FLEECE and YOGA PANTS they make me feel real gooood! So i ran out of here behind out of doors and to the wind!!!!!

I ran down the hill as my body mass will allow nothing else and i was booking by the time i got to the end (pic on left) Well what goes down, must come up (pic on right) Believe or not i use to run this hill, well not today but i will again! Although when i got to the top that bench (bottom center) almost had my name on it, started to sit there and call a cab to take me home! But i didn't! I kicked that hill's ass and took names! 

Its so frickin funny because my subconscious even has a sense of humor as i was nearing the end of the hill and coming around home Harder to Breathe came on! HA! And it couldn't have been Truer!   I use to hate running through the streets of the Home of the Wire Chicken Boxes 1/2 and 1/2's and Urban Belly Dances, but, i quickly changed my mind as i wanted our people to see that if my big azz can do it, anyone can and just get out there! It was great to know these 40 year old Fat legs still got it...and its mine to get! As today was beautiful and i actually felt the love for myself erupting and was passing it on! Self Love is not easy for me, but doable and the only way to develop it as with any loving relationship is to do compassionate, loving and nurturing things so that it may grow...BECAUSE LOVE IS AN ACTION WORD!

I am SO GLAD I CHALLENGED MYSELF as my day was like HEAVEN, i mean i enjoyed myself so thoroughly today and i am so convinced that the closer you get to your purpose and why you were created the happier and more joyful you become! When i FACE my challenges and kick them in the arse it builds my self esteem. My schedule was today consisted of Walk/Run...Work...Salat Al Jummah in which i cried some tears, but not sad tears but breakthrough Tears, then ...Get my Boy...Entertain Him...then back to work! My days are grueling at times no doubt but i am such in the space of gratefulness that i just can't give a damn about the small stuff! I am the big STUFF literally (i crack me up) I MATTER I COUNT I AM WORTHY! WORTHY! And i am on the cusp of something! I keep thinking imma be like BIG PUN like im trying to live i aint going nowhere #RIP

Everything i need is all in me, i just have to pray like everything depends on the Creator and Work like everything depends on me...because it does! Until Next Time....

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

I have a Dream...

DAY 10 NOVEMBER FITNESS CHALLENGE

It was all a dream i use to read WordUp magazine...My dream last night was B A N A N A S Bananas! in my dream my waistline was outrageously small so much so that a dude noticed (can't remember who) and was like what kind of trickery is this? And i was like its called a girdle...but no girdle in this universe could have pulled that off it was NUTS freakishly eery! 

I am trying not to get obsessed with size, my focus is of course to be the best version of myself but i really wanna be FRICKIN G.I. Jane...Ya Heard! I want to be in such good shape i can run 10 miles and then stop and fight four 3 minute Rounds! I want to be fit, so naturally the weight loss comes with that goal. But i get so caught up on image or what the scale says or the mirror says, it distracts me from being HEALTHY, and that's when i start the throwing up my food and being the star of my own personal frickin after school special; and i am way too old for that shattttt! 

So i kicked my previous days challenge in the arse, only for it to send its bigger meaner friend...ME!

SO lets recap on how my day went:

I slept like a champ!  I woke up, and scadaddled on to the good church house as i hadn't been in months due to working!!!!! Then had to leave there take my niece and nephew home, come back home and work out then go to work! 

I choose Dancing Dancing Dancing! And decided to do the Reebok Step DANCE???? OY VEY! I was stepping and this heifer...i mean lovely lady wanna add dancing too? I was cha cha cha'ing myself into the nearest Emergency Room! I didn't ace it but i completed it and on some parts i had to use the floor and not the step as i am working my way back to myself and it aint easy!!!! But it was only 30 minutes which was perfect as i was able to sit still for 5 minutes to collect my thoughts and then workout and go to work! My time management is at an all time LOW!!! Dear God its going to be my undoing!

So i hadn't eaten anything at that point accept a few pieces of cheese and crackers and some grapes i could feel my energy going down and i had to work until 12, so in my mind since i haven't put my meal plan together and gotten all of my healthy snacks i can continue on in my inordinacy until i am "prepared" What a boob! Self-sabotage at its best! Food is my crack! And i can't keep greeting it like i have a healthy take on it, because i DO NOT! 

So, i had a breakthrough of sorts! My previous blog i discussed what i wanted to do with my food and the my ultimate goal of becoming a Vegan...this was on Saturday Night, i posted this beautiful resource from Black Vegan Love and then by Sunday i was binge eating???? Talk about Psychosis!!! This was my dinner:

I should be ashamed considering i am so smart i annoy myself sometimes, thus, i know better, but i am not for some reason? Maybe im just tired of all the hairy bullshit (tehehehehehe what movie is that from?) And am okay with the slightly neurotic girl looking back at me in the mirror. It's not an "i am okay and this is me and who gives a damn," but an "okay crazy, this is ridiculous, and EYE SEE YOU, Now get it together!" Im telling you it is liberating when you simply choose to be yourself...regardless what self decides to show up on any particular day!

Good News is...i got my workout in and i am one step closer to the conditioning of my body! And we have already read the bad news so no sense in beating a dead horse, but i will say this, i am becoming more consciously aware of my shenanigans as i am going through them instead of weeks, months and years later. Keeping this up should prove me a god in a matter of time as i will foresee my folly and laugh at it and avoid it altogether in the very near future...of that i am sure! Meal Plan coming soon...

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!