SUBMISSION...ITS NOT A DIRTY WORD

Struggle is Ordained...I have heard that for the better part of my life, and am now just determining what i choose to struggle about!!! Some things are beyond my scope of control, others? Not so much.

When i look at my journey in developing my spiritual self, i look back on the discipline i chose in which to do so. Again, i don't like to get caught up in Titles as they are more divisive then the unifying principle in which they are intended. So i choose to use discipline.

I was once in an argument with a fool, and during the argument who was the fool was interchangeable, she swore to me up and down she wasn't going to deny CHRIST and not call herself a Christian, as if a Name makes you such, all the while abusing, neglecting traumatizing and mistreating your children? Ma'am have several seats, please and thank you.  And don't even get me started on folks claiming Allah, all the while mistreating women, blowing up shit and selling more Pork than Leon's Pig Pen...Sir? Boy Bye! So yeah, I'm cool on the labeling and i wont be so arrogant to determine for you what is for you!!! We all have a walk/journey/role and Dear God they can change like the wind so I'm a little slow as to make a determination on an unfinished product.

Said all that to say, this last 2 weeks have been very tumultuous with an internal struggle for me, I was on my road, meditating 20 minutes a day, eating right for the most part and being active, you know really finding time to cultivate and evolve myself back to my original state before this world got a hold of me! Back to GOD!!!! My cycle came and everything came to a screeching halt, almost instantly.

You see i have had this on again off again relationship with my creator and sometimes when i am riding HIGH and i think we are seeing eye to eye on some things a struggle presents itself!  My cycle is one of those struggles! My sister and I have been talking and she offended me on a few things, and i was really telling her off in my head ( i mean a freeloader can only say so much right) But i felt like she was infringing on my relationship with my creator and Telling me how it should be, when in my mind I GOT THIS! Well after i went to my quiet place, she was right, although i didn't like it AT ALL, she was right!

When i started to develop on my spiritual journey away from what i was taught as a child i was seventeen years old.  I am now 40, but only 23 years in my development, now when we look at the average 23 year old, and i think of my 21 year old soon to be 22 year old daughter i see her development, or the lack thereof, and i cut her slack because, she's only 21? But i never afford myself the same slack? It seems i never bestow upon my self the same grace, kindness and patience that i show others.

When you are growing up you tend to do what your parents say do, then as you get older you start smelling yourself and start making some bold moves in your own direction whether good or bad.  Then as the world whips your ass, you start to think back on what mama and daddy said, and wish being obedient to what they prescribed was all you had to concern yourself with...Wash a Dish? Hell yeah I'll wash all the damn dishes, the wall, the bathroom, the car, the underbelly of a YAK, if that means i don't have to be bombarded with all these new found challenges and responsibilities!!!

Then you mature, and you start to understand, your struggles had to be your struggles, your pains had to be yours, your triumphs had to be yours, YOUR JOURNEY had to be yours, and then you begin to develop into your own, with your own flavor, your own new found freedom and evolution.

Well although i am 40, i am just now coming into my own, and my journey has looked so colorful, and so rebellious, and so outrageous to some, but it was all on PURPOSE for me! So i embrace my 23 year old self, i accept that mama knew what the heck she was talking about a little bit, and i am determined to walk my walk, humbly, appreciatively, and begin treating my discipline with the reverence and respect it deserves.

I have never wanted to fully submit to anyone or anything NEVER! Even if i KNEW it was for my own good, because i always have been riddled with the ghost of Claude Coward trying to tame that wild child of his AND NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER!!!!

But it isn't about me Losing Anything, but finally coming into the person i was destined to become...Its about me Gaining EVERYTHING

Again-I am thankful for another opportunity to NOT get it right...but to be BETTER!!!!

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

THINGS HAVE DEFINITELY CHANGED....

So i rarely blog on demand, but i have been derelict in my duty to my one true fan!!!!! Okay two fans, but i dare say three is pushing it...So i write...

Well i am all moved from the home of the wire, chicken boxes, half and halfs and urban belly dancers to the town of surf boards, fun in the sun and mountains far as the eye can see...the only place where you can surf and ski in the same day if you wanted too...well only place that i know of any way HA! CALIFORNIA!!! 

One thing i learned most about this move is FREEDOM aint FREE!!!! I have heard people say this all my life thanks to my Ungawa Black Power Daddy! But it is one of the realest sentiments ever! Sometimes if you wanna be free of all the hairy bullshit...you gotta pay the price!! So i am paying the piper! And happy to do so.

I see my boy thriving, i see the best man i know outside my daddy, "The Hubs" freed up to really focus on his creative side as he has one a mileeeeeeeee long and i am joyful! 

I posted pics on Facebook like the first week i got here, and my cousinigetinthedivorceslashtherapist was like let me call this @)*#)@(+@ She done combed her damn hair and is bright and shiny and was here looking like a damn runaway slave!!!! I hadn't even noticed the difference but i sure felt it!  I know i have the same issues i had in Baltimore (im still black at em?) THAT hasn't changed, I HAVE! 

My father use to always compare me to my siblings and it used to drive me to distraction, but he had a point, if they are in the same classes, in the same school with the same teachers, why is it you the only one always with the problem? Well of course in my defense i have to say the world wasn't ready for what HE HIMSELF created in his rearing of me! But i had to look at the common denominator and that was ME MYSELF AND I! 

I could live in the bowels of hell or be greeted with the warmth and graciousness of St. Peter himself  and could be happier in hell depending upon my perspective!!!! Perspective can be EVERYTHING!!!! Sometimes when you look at people and try to get all up in their heads with their madness it is an exercise in futility, because if you are not looking from their perspective and living with their experiences Fagediboudit.

My therapist (more like High Priestess, because therapist is playing her small in my opinion)  asked me to take 20 minutes to just be quiet and sit still so she could do some work with me and i replied i had no time today...then when i looked, i had no time in the near future? WHAT THE HELL? You haven't 20 minutes to be still? To be alone? Now thats some fracklenackle bullshit if i ever heard of some!

My perspective is shifting, Mind Body and Soul as ME time has a whole new meaning to me now,  i am not talking about no superficial nails did, toes did, hot bath time! As those things are important, but if you look at it Ummm thats basic hygiene... 

but for me and my grand scheme...

I am talking about some gut wrenching soul searching bout it bout it TIME!!!!  Investing in me time !!!! Dealing with the hypocrisy within my self and the self-loathing time, other people's expectations and why they matter time? Communing with the ancestors letting go of ancestral baggage TIME! Letting go of that EGO TIME!!!!!!!

So i am making the TIME, it hasn't been long but the boy is even like okay mom go meditate...have fun!!! Im like son if i am a better me you will ONLY benefit! He may not understand it fully, but on a visceral level HE GETS IT and he's four...whats my excuse? 

Even newer things have been happening with my business, and i have to be honest i feel the sense of angst and a bit overwhelmed, but all i can do is MAKE A PLAN...and Work it, as my Mama always says "it only works...if YOU work it!" 

Your Baby's working it Mama!!!!

Again-I am thankful for another opportunity to NOT get it right...but to be BETTER!!!!

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

THE CRAZIES ARE BACK...BUT NOT HERE TO STAY!

DAY 25 DECEMBER F.L.Y. FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF CHALLENGE

I am up, miserable and mad as a wet CAT! So, i haven't juiced in 2 days due to me not prioritizing, i will not accept excuses from myself although i have several at the ready, but as i have been taught for a very long time by my Ummi that excusitis is a FAILURES's Disease! Dis-ease is the right word as i am so uncomfortable i cant even sleep!

It is 2 in the morning and i am unable to lie down due to indigestion What in the FRACK?????? I thought i would be able to ease into this vegan lifestyle but i am afraid i haven't a choice in the matter ANY LONGER!

If i had a sword i would fall the hell on it! I am mean, grumpy, i have no energy and little patience! My body is rejecting all that i have eaten for the last 2 days as my throat is itchy, mucus is building up as i type, and my asthma is on the cusp of being an issue again.

When i juiced, eating mostly Vegan without any diary when i first broke my juice fast, i felt euphoric, simply fantastic.  As soon as started eating wheat, diary and cheese and made no time to juice its been most horrible, i can no longer live my life like this.

I often say as black people we are not new to many things...recycling? We have been doing it for years...from Grease on the stove, to dish washing liquid being bubble bath, dish washing liquid and if times get too tough laundry detergent too.  TV knob broke, no need for repair or to throw out, where are the pliers? Cant get reception and the antenna is in disrepair...no need for a new one, where is a wire hanger?? And don't get me started on the hand me downs.

My point in this statement is simply a lot of times we have learned to just "Make Do" Car broke? Ride it til the wheels fall off? Feeling bad...keep going until its walking pneumonia and you have no choice but to stop! We have learned to "Make Do" sometimes simply out of necessity and surviving...so we learn to "make do!" But i can no longer just "make do" i have to tend to myself like the prize and miracle that i am.  And how do we treat a miracle? This question will be asked time and time again until it is embedded in me so deeply that the "make do" no longer has a resting place!

I am thankful for yet another opportunity...not to get it right...but to BE BETTER!


Respect your body...your temple!
It's been better to you, than you've been to it.
Give thanks to your body for it's life long commitment and loyalty to you!"

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

THE CRAZIES ARE BACK!!!!!

 DAY 22 DECEMBER F.L.Y. FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF CHALLENGE

Okay so i have been juicing up a storm and loving it...and then the dreams began...of lasagna, gooey pizza, cream of chipped beef, and all sorts of tom foolery. My objective was to make it to the 60 day reboot, in 10 day increments, one day at a time.

But then the crazies returned, i was consumed with the thought of F O O D! I was willing myself to go on while curled in a corner rocking back in forth chanting a Buddhist prayer and calling on the God in an ancient language...the crazies were back.

Something from the movie FAT SICK AND NEARLY DEAD rang in my ears as i was beginning to be hard on myself for not reaching my "goal" and this is the gist of it: any amount of juicing you do is a SUCCESS you can't negate the hard work and discipline it takes to accomplish 10 days of juice fasting and pour it down the drain because you didn't make it to 60? ONE DAY was better than the one you hadn't completed before you started...CRAZIES i tell you! And in my case it was 16...the next time it will be 21 or maybe 5? Who knows, but isn't some better than none? 

So here's what happen: I was working and one of my sweethearts asked what was i doing because i wasn't participating in the chat that was taking place, they were all just rambling on and i was in a daze, and if i am anything i am verbal...i told her to lay off because i was rocking in the corner trying to overcome the jerk chicken smells that were emanating from the evil laboratory below and as i was typing those words to her it hit me like a ton of bricks...IF YOU WANT TO EAT...EAT!!!!! No one said i had to put on a ski mask and go stick up a local pizza hut because i have put this self-imposed rule in my head!!!! I made the rule...so i can break it!!

And oh did i break it, once i decided that i was going to eat, i wanted to wait until the day before my wedding anniversary, then i thought why? If you want to eat, eat now, so i had brown rice, an apple and savory veggie soup and a piece of loverly jerk chicken. It was a modest and nutritious meal and i was proud that i didn't head out to the dope man (7-11) and re-up on that stuff (cheetos, chocolate bar, soda) I choose a decent meal and was happier for it.

My Second Meal was FRICKIN FANTASTIC OMG I went to this fabulous little place called THE GRIND HOUSE  I had a savory bean soup, Veggie Wrap that i could have slapped someones mama over and CHICK UN salad! D I V I N E. This was 100 percent Vegan and i loved every morsel.  I still juiced my Appletini that morning and then i had my dinner at the grind house and i was SET! 

Now my goal is to eventually be VEGAN but that dirty bird got a hold on me like nothing in the annuls of time, i believe it is something in my DNA i swear to you, but i know i can kick it, as i have before, but it will be gradual and with balance, or i may just wake up and say thats it dirty bird...take your feathers and hormones and go squawk some place else HA! What ever i decide to do it will be coming from a place of love and wanting what is best FOR ME!

I am so glad i decided to kick the crazies in the arse this time and give my body time to adjust before my 21st wedding anniversary...because it is adjusting and that wouldn't be a good look come December 27th Tehehehehehehehee :D

I can do this, this is so doable and most importantly...GOOD FOR ME and promotes SELF LOVE. I would never do to someone else the things i have done to myself, they would no longer be my friend and would want to have nothing to do with me, and i wouldn't blame them.  SO every day is a conscious decision to do better by myself because I AM WORTH IT! I will have my lasagna, and my gooey pizza but it will be vegan and with the cheese that wont have me in the ER with an asthma attack or make my allergies behave so poorly i wanna scream bloody murder! NEIGH i am loving myself these days and that requires making good choices for my spiritual mental and physical health! 


Respect your body...your temple!
It's been better to you, than you've been to it.
Give thanks to your body for it's life long commitment and loyalty to you!"

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

P.S. my heel is probably in relapse as i danced my pain away at my cousin's 40th B-Day Party last night...but dammit it was worth it! 

THE UNIVERSE HAS SOME SPLAINING TO DO!

DAY 19 DECEMBER F.L.Y. FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF CHALLENGE

Its been a long time i shouldn't left you without a strong rhyme to step to think of how many weak shows you slept through times up sorry i kept you, thinking of this you keep repeating you miss the rhymes from the microphone soloist so you sit by the radio hand on the dial soon as you hear it PUMP UP THE VOLUME...i could go on forever ERIC B FOR PRESIDENT OWWWWW!!!! Anywho, some things have been happening and the Universe has been very very busy. Dont no where to begin so lets start...at the beginning.

My last post i stated i wasn't focused on weight lost because i have a bit of an obsessive personality and it will consume me and sabotage any hope of me fully becoming whole and getting all my pieces together! So i dont even go near the scale i simply eat good foods, think good thoughts, do good deeds and what the heck can go wrong right? WRONG...i fell down the dang steps! I tore the heel of my right foot UP so much so that i HAD to go to the Emergency Room because i have watched enough ER Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and Chicago Hope to know i broke something!

Well i didn't break anything contrary to my extensive knowledge of TV medicine as the Doctor stated i would have to have jumped out of a 4-Story building in order to break the very strong CALCANEUS BONE but i had done enough damage to sit my arse down somewhere! But that wasn't the worst part...I HAD TO BE WEIGHED!!!! Dear God in Heaven why must you mock me so? 

The Nurse said do you know how much you weigh...and i am like is fat a number? eh? She was like get on the scale wise guy!!!!!! The best part is the numbers came up and this must be some new fangled scale because it was like half my body weight (ok a quarter, who am i kidding) And i was like GREAT this is Greek to me, and this WENCH gonna yell out the number! If my heel bone wasn't broke i swear i would have mule kicked her into the Labor and Delivery!

So i was devastated at the number AND what this knowledge was going to do to my Psyche? Was i gonna head to the nearest Krispy Kreme and gorge myself and give up the frickin Ghost??? Or was i gonna go on a Torture Fast Vowing never to eat again ending up in a padded cell rocking back in forth reciting lines from obscure foreign films? WHAT THE FRACK HAD THIS LADY DONE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????

Well i am happy to report she has done nothing but help me. My struggle is always one for balance, as my love affair with food is synonymous with the one i am working on having with myself, if this was a Finally Loving Yummy Goodness that is Food Challenge it would have been one post and all would be well, but this is Finally Loving Yourself Challenge, about learning and developing a relationship with food that will help me and promote self love not hurt me and promote self loathing! 

Knowing how much i weigh in no way negates the efforts that i have made and the progress i have made and am making, i am so extreme in ALL things I LOVE WITH EVERYTHING when i love, and when i hate...it aint pretty, and such a fine line with me, again struggle for balance. I am All in this journey of self discovery and mastery i am all in, and a number on scale no more defines me than the man in the moon, it is simply a guide, it lets me know HEY this isn't the product of the best self treatment is it? No? Okay, well lets do something about it.  I have to be LOVING toward myself and i would no sooner beat up a loved one who came to me about a weight issue, i would love them, i would help them settle on the best part and i would help them devise a plan to be VICTOR and not a victim...I must treat myself with the same respect, love and care. So thank you Nurse Betty! This wasn't a battle i thought i was ready for but obviously i was wrong, as i have been prone to be at some time or another! 

Its funny because i was just telling my cousin/therapist/separatedatbirther the day before how i will say a thing and then the universe will come not a second later and be like PROVE IT! And as soon as i said weight loss was a by product of healthy living and that i wasn't going to focus it on it...the universe was like PROVE IT!

Well this is Day 15 of my Juicing for Better Living, and i am here and healthy, blood pressure is great all my vitals in good order! I am sort of glad my foot is out of commission as my desire to be a zealot was thwarted, now i have to wait to really exercise and thus i wont over do it, because i simply cannot...BALANCE!

So excited about getting all my pieces that have fractured throughout this journey called life all back together again, this is SOUL's work and is not for the weary or faint of heart, the same goals i have set to accomplish material gain or educational advancement, is the fervor i have to have for my SOUL's repair! I am ALL IN! 


Respect your body...your temple!
It's been better to you, than you've been to it.
Give thanks to your body for it's life long commitment and loyalty to you!"

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

IM IN LOVE...LOVE...Baby for the first time....

DAY 13 DECEMBER F.L.Y. CHALLENGE FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF

Wanted to write because something has...changed...

I woke up on yesterday feeling like a brand new person, i can't explain the feeling other than a new love feel. I was explaining to my cousin/therapist/separtatedatbirther that it feels like being in love for the first time, like i woke up and realized someone loved the hell out of me. And she responded you have always been loved, and she is right and i joked im not talking bout that ole rusty love HA! Then we decided "vintage" was the best description (love you honey, 21 years strong!) But the new love when the sun seems brighter, and air seems crisper and the voices in your head seem clearer....who said that? LOL but seriously...Just singing in the rain Happy to be alive L O V E!

And it dawned on me, thats me loving me! I am in love and falling in love with myself, who i am, who i am becoming and who i am going to be! It is invigorating, because things are changing inside of me. And i wish i could bottle this feeling and sell it as i would be a A GAZILLIONAIRE, i know not a word, but still.

We survived the boy's party, some people didn't show up who i was hoping would be there considering i am high tailing it up out of town, i was hurt/angry, then i talked to myself and set the proper expectations, accepted my disappointment, and moved on...so refreshing to honor your feelings without the need of validation and to just move on, no worse for wear, no unkind words spoken, or negative thoughts nursed and festering. Man i tell you that Phoenix Rising Baltimore Sista Circle has grown me in so many ways and i am eternally Grateful.  

I am on my 9th Day of Juicing and feeling pretty ah-mazing! 

This juicing was initiated by a co-worker who is really more than a co-worker, she's my sweetheart, i am thankful for her and her spirit and being the vessel to propel me forward. She mentioned she would be doing it and me and another co-worker/sweetheart was like we down! We are all doing it differently and to our own level of comfort, but the energy of unity is still there, it simply so gratifying when you open your heart and you decide to lead with love, you are in line to receive so many different blessings coming from directions you never would expect.  I am expanding my breast and healing my wounds/womb with one compassionate loving act toward myself at a time, so i have been focusing on how i treat my temple. 

NOTE: Very little to do with weight loss, but much to do with what my body deserves. This is a lifestyle change for me, I havent weighed myself and i wont for some time now. When i decided to be healthy and whole, its a no brainer that weight loss is a natural by product and doesn't warrant attention...does that make sense?(insider lol)

So, 

I have been doing mostly Kale, Cucumber, Celery, Apple, Pear, Carrot, Beet, Spinach and Mint, this week i have added squash and cabbage to the mix.  I don't mix this all together. I generally have my green juice in the morning/afternoon and then my Orange/Red juice later in the day. I haven't been juicing enough as my work days have been long but i am educating myself everyday hence doing better everyday.  I can not wait to re-introduce the different meals i have been discovering during this reboot time  so that me and my family can be healthy whole and complete. Finally Loving Me!

I have always known obedience to my nature gives me self-esteem, but being who i am, obedience has NEVER come easy for me, i've been a rebel since Way Back and always looked at obedience like a noose or death sentence a way to stifle my inner wild child, whom i have grown greatly attached to and happens to think is pretty frickin Kewl, if i do say so myself, and i do.

But i realized that it is not obedience to my nature that will prohibit me but actual GIVE US US FREE!!!!! I feel confident when i submit to my nature, i feel bold, humble, sexy ALIVE! Obedience to my nature builds my self-esteem and is a constant reminder of just how miraculous i can actually be. I said before there is a miracle of me...me, just me #nofilter and i asked the question, how do you treat a miracle? 

I am working on this miracle that is me every single day CONSCIOUSLY not just going through the motions day end and day out, but CONSCIOUSLY Finally Loving Me. I prayed and meditated this morning and i noticed i didn't thank the creator for another day to get it right as i always have, but just another day to get BETTER!  

"Respect your body...your temple!
It's been better to you, than you've been to it.
Give thanks to your body for it's life long commitment and loyalty to you!"

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

I NEED TO EAT SOMETHING...

DAY 10 DECEMBER F.LY. FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF CHALLENGE

Many, Many Years ago i dreamed i had a son; he was THEE most beautiful chocolate curly head wonder you would ever lay eyes on. And he died in my arms, oh dear Lord it was tragic, i woke up with tears streaming  down my face about this lost boy whom i loved so fiercely as i could FEEL IT but had never met. 

Fast forward about 10 years later i moved to Los Angeles and this chocolate little curly head boy is walking up the stairs toward me, my son from my dream! I swear time stopped, and guess what...he had asthma? In my dream that is how my baby died, he had an asthma attack i was FLOORED. Well that little chocolate boy is now a Chocolate Man so clearly my ORACLE abilities are certainly not enough to enter the matrix about, but, very powerful, unforgettable moments for sure...

What does this have to do with loving yourself you say? Who knows, but this is what is on my soul this fine Morning, after a dastardly night! 

For months now my dreams have bombarded my sleep so vivid and MEMORABLE.  Generally my dreams are vague and they come back to me during the day like a deja vu, and i'll call a loved one and be like I dreamed of you and it will come back to me in bits and pieces.  But as of LATE i remember everything as so as i awaken and through the course of the day it may become unclear.

So this morning my dream entailed someone taking my boy! I was so distraught and mad at God in my dream i mean i was literally shaking my fist at the sky, until i just broke down in my dream and I start Yelling LORD LORD WHY LORD I CANT GO ON I CANT GO ON but in my Reverend Lonnie Love, Martin, Keenan Ivory Wayans Arsenio Hall Voice...it was so bizarre that i was screaming like that i swear i stepped out of myself in my dream to take a look at this tomfoolery taking place!  I think it woke me up because my mind couldn't handle the complexity of the comedy amidst the trauma, i actually stopped and was like this girl is a damn fool why is she crying like that? 

Once i was awake and realized i was in my own room and i had been dreaming, i also realized my son was still in his bed safe and sound (at the foot of mine, mind you) And i stumbled in the darkness like a drunken sailor collapsing on his bed and bursting into tears hugging him so tightly, He woke up instantly rubbing my back saying whats wrong mommy, mommy whats wrong? 

I couldn't stop crying imagine God Father III when his Daughter Mary was Shot Anguish! After a time, my husband was able to bring me out of my Fugue state when he simply stated with his usual calm demeanor Maria you are scaring the boy. The boy drifted off back to sleep, rousing intermittently, continuing to hug me, probably thinking this fool is crazy and obviously distraught but im sleepy, (so much like his dad.) It is a balm to my soul that as much as this child is a cantankerous old man, on the inside he is a sweet compassionate loving soul and i am so honored to be his mom. Ashe

Finally, im not crying and the boy is awake for the day, now in our bed with us and happy as usual.  But i am still so scared trying to figure out what this dream meant? I begin distracting myself with talking to the boy about his birthday and all he is going to do today (minus going to school not letting him out of my sight.)  We are getting excited about his party he is having and how he wants to invite EVERYBODY, but i am still out of my mind, so as he talks to me about the details, i am calling on the ancestors and channeling my energy for a quick one on one with the creator, silent for the first time. What a way to start my boys 4th birthday Right? Where is this coming from?

I received a text from a loved one about my move last night.  I talked to my cousin/therapist/twinsepartedatbirth and kind of worked out how the text made me feel and how the person used the things most dear to me to manipulate me into guilt or perhaps doubt i am not sure, but the point of the text was i don't need to move i need to stay put.  Now i cant fault them for honoring their feelings and letting me know how they feel about me being so far away, because they will love and will miss me and i them. However maybe they should have called their cousin/therapist/twinseparatedatbirth and worked those feelings out with them instead of projecting their Fear and doubts onto me.  

Do people believe me to be unafraid, so certain, non feeling? Am i not going to be away from my family, friends and the most awesome of support systems a girl can have? I am not unafraid and i do second guess myself and i don't know how this next step in my journey will turn out, but i can tell you one thing, Four years ago my life was MADE and all my decisions are based upon that blessing so even though i am a fly by the seat of your pants adventurous soul, my life decisions are discussed intensely and thoroughly with the Lord of All the Worlds and the Creator of Everything...and He/She is sufficient for all my needs! Whatever my Fears my Capabilities are BIGGER and where my Capabilities Falter MY GOD will take me further and that knowing is all i need.

I am not saying this text was the root of this dream but it is certainly something to consider...I have been Juice Fasting, Today is my 6th day of just consuming Fresh Pressed Fruits and Vegetables, after last night imma about to juice a steak, eggs and Supreme Praline Pecan Ice Cream, Dear Jesus be a Fence!

Happy 4th Turn in the Sun, my Son -Zawadi Farajji Ata my Gift! Mommy Loves you with every fiber of her being and will continually work everyday to love herself...because LOVE IS INFECTIOUS and she deserves it and so do you!

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!