I NEED TO EAT SOMETHING...

DAY 10 DECEMBER F.LY. FINALLY LOVING YOURSELF CHALLENGE

Many, Many Years ago i dreamed i had a son; he was THEE most beautiful chocolate curly head wonder you would ever lay eyes on. And he died in my arms, oh dear Lord it was tragic, i woke up with tears streaming  down my face about this lost boy whom i loved so fiercely as i could FEEL IT but had never met. 

Fast forward about 10 years later i moved to Los Angeles and this chocolate little curly head boy is walking up the stairs toward me, my son from my dream! I swear time stopped, and guess what...he had asthma? In my dream that is how my baby died, he had an asthma attack i was FLOORED. Well that little chocolate boy is now a Chocolate Man so clearly my ORACLE abilities are certainly not enough to enter the matrix about, but, very powerful, unforgettable moments for sure...

What does this have to do with loving yourself you say? Who knows, but this is what is on my soul this fine Morning, after a dastardly night! 

For months now my dreams have bombarded my sleep so vivid and MEMORABLE.  Generally my dreams are vague and they come back to me during the day like a deja vu, and i'll call a loved one and be like I dreamed of you and it will come back to me in bits and pieces.  But as of LATE i remember everything as so as i awaken and through the course of the day it may become unclear.

So this morning my dream entailed someone taking my boy! I was so distraught and mad at God in my dream i mean i was literally shaking my fist at the sky, until i just broke down in my dream and I start Yelling LORD LORD WHY LORD I CANT GO ON I CANT GO ON but in my Reverend Lonnie Love, Martin, Keenan Ivory Wayans Arsenio Hall Voice...it was so bizarre that i was screaming like that i swear i stepped out of myself in my dream to take a look at this tomfoolery taking place!  I think it woke me up because my mind couldn't handle the complexity of the comedy amidst the trauma, i actually stopped and was like this girl is a damn fool why is she crying like that? 

Once i was awake and realized i was in my own room and i had been dreaming, i also realized my son was still in his bed safe and sound (at the foot of mine, mind you) And i stumbled in the darkness like a drunken sailor collapsing on his bed and bursting into tears hugging him so tightly, He woke up instantly rubbing my back saying whats wrong mommy, mommy whats wrong? 

I couldn't stop crying imagine God Father III when his Daughter Mary was Shot Anguish! After a time, my husband was able to bring me out of my Fugue state when he simply stated with his usual calm demeanor Maria you are scaring the boy. The boy drifted off back to sleep, rousing intermittently, continuing to hug me, probably thinking this fool is crazy and obviously distraught but im sleepy, (so much like his dad.) It is a balm to my soul that as much as this child is a cantankerous old man, on the inside he is a sweet compassionate loving soul and i am so honored to be his mom. Ashe

Finally, im not crying and the boy is awake for the day, now in our bed with us and happy as usual.  But i am still so scared trying to figure out what this dream meant? I begin distracting myself with talking to the boy about his birthday and all he is going to do today (minus going to school not letting him out of my sight.)  We are getting excited about his party he is having and how he wants to invite EVERYBODY, but i am still out of my mind, so as he talks to me about the details, i am calling on the ancestors and channeling my energy for a quick one on one with the creator, silent for the first time. What a way to start my boys 4th birthday Right? Where is this coming from?

I received a text from a loved one about my move last night.  I talked to my cousin/therapist/twinsepartedatbirth and kind of worked out how the text made me feel and how the person used the things most dear to me to manipulate me into guilt or perhaps doubt i am not sure, but the point of the text was i don't need to move i need to stay put.  Now i cant fault them for honoring their feelings and letting me know how they feel about me being so far away, because they will love and will miss me and i them. However maybe they should have called their cousin/therapist/twinseparatedatbirth and worked those feelings out with them instead of projecting their Fear and doubts onto me.  

Do people believe me to be unafraid, so certain, non feeling? Am i not going to be away from my family, friends and the most awesome of support systems a girl can have? I am not unafraid and i do second guess myself and i don't know how this next step in my journey will turn out, but i can tell you one thing, Four years ago my life was MADE and all my decisions are based upon that blessing so even though i am a fly by the seat of your pants adventurous soul, my life decisions are discussed intensely and thoroughly with the Lord of All the Worlds and the Creator of Everything...and He/She is sufficient for all my needs! Whatever my Fears my Capabilities are BIGGER and where my Capabilities Falter MY GOD will take me further and that knowing is all i need.

I am not saying this text was the root of this dream but it is certainly something to consider...I have been Juice Fasting, Today is my 6th day of just consuming Fresh Pressed Fruits and Vegetables, after last night imma about to juice a steak, eggs and Supreme Praline Pecan Ice Cream, Dear Jesus be a Fence!

Happy 4th Turn in the Sun, my Son -Zawadi Farajji Ata my Gift! Mommy Loves you with every fiber of her being and will continually work everyday to love herself...because LOVE IS INFECTIOUS and she deserves it and so do you!

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!