THE LAST DAY OF NOVEMBER...i think

So i am lying in bed, sleep, minding my own business! First night my sleep had not been bombarded with dreams in WEEKS and the fire alarm goes off...it's 3 o clock in the morning Where you gonna be, OUTside on the corner! Im sorry i digress (a few hip hop heads will know that one, and i know its actually 5 o'clock) Anyhoo, the alarm goes off my husband is not in the bed and i hear walking all around, im like okay am i gonna have to go Mossad Style up in this mickey fickey? So, being who i am a whole scenario goes through my head of what is about to go the EFF down! Fast forward 15 minutes....

My husband is the source of the fire alarm (cleaning the oven after baking a boat load of pies) And my Krav Maga will have to remain on reserve to be used another day! So, its smokey, im up and pissed as i can barely get to sleep in the frickin first place and so i start to watch one of all time favorite movies The First Wives Club and its toward the end, so i start prowling Facebook as i cant think of a better word then prowling this time of morning, but nothing and I MEAN NOTHING is without purpose! 

I have a dear Mentor who has transitioned from this life and she taught me something at a very young age, well one thing was if you awaken in the night you should pray, not flip on The First Wives Club, but as importantly, sometimes you have to be still, and when you are presented with opportunities (ie. being choked out of my sleep by BlackChef) challenges, or simply just a moment in time all your own, determine what is in it for you, to learn from, to grow from, as nothing is without purpose!

I have already decided some things need to change for the better and have consciously began to work toward it. During this fragile time and transition things have been murky, uncertain, frustrating and downright confusing.  Without the correct positioning of my mind and energy i saw set backs as failures and a lot of my past experiences were obscuring my future experiences, my present experiences and causing me to falter.  I saw a post today that resonated with me...Use the Past as a Learning Experience and then GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! 

I see this two ways, the first one, naturally, moving forward and not dwelling in the past.  But the second, and most important to me at this time is to LITERALLY...get the HELL OUT ie. doubt, fear, self loathing, hurt, pain, disappointment, judgment, negativity, self-deprecation, and my all time favorite THE SIN OF IGNORANCE...what is the sin of ignorance you say? That will be for another post but the point is GET THE HELL OUT...allow the deepest darkest succubus to surface and move up out of ME...Banish it (Charmed Fan) never to hold power over me again...THAT is a process and like my dear Sister Told me at the my Last PHOENIX RISING BALTIMORE SISTER CIRCLE its about PROGRESS not perfection!

So right before i had determined i needed to BE STILL this is the OPPORTUNITY AND GROWTH MOMENT WAS AFFORDED TO ME...This may be the Last Day of the November Fitness Challenge but this is a new day and new time i have never been in before, what i did yesterday is a lesson that cannot be altered, but Today? Today is as good a day as any to continue my journey of self love, so this isn't over, but on the contrary...just the beginning! Take the time and Check out the above link.

I am so excited i wanna FLY Finally.Loving.Yourself...join me

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

I inspire ME....

I Inspire me...

The Poem below was a part of an assignment for PHOENIX RISING BALTIMORE an organization i have co-founded for survivors of sexual abuse, assault and molestation.  One of my sisters, after reading my blog yesterday told me to re-read one of my  post from this blog for inspiration as yesterdays entry seemed kind of off putting i suppose. So i started to read some of my old workshops instead; that i have facilitated and/or been an active member of, and this is a writing i have found, it inspired me... so i thought i'd share

When I see myself I smile, smile at the girl I have become, despite your bullshit, despite your self-hatred and all the things you said I would never be, u can't touch me

When I see you I smile, smile at the fact that your self loathing only stunted my ability to love myself for awhile, smile at the fact that all the years I faked loving myself eventually paid off cuz you cant hold me

When I see myself I smile, because I no longer see you looking back at me in the mirror, I no longer have this noose around my neck, this anchor around my waist this anvil dropping on my head, u can't be me

I am free from your grasp, your reach isn't long enough your arms aren’t strong enough your mind aint grand enough you can’t hold me

I smile at all the years I thought I wasted, but it wasn’t a waste I was incubating, learning, growing, wising up, becoming all God Intended when he breathed his breath of life into me filling my lungs, molding my mind, shaping my thoughts, strengthening my faith, giving me the necessary time, the necessary trials, the necessary test to become ME

I know you may not SEE me, you think im insignificant, rag tagged, banged up, nothing, but thats simply transference…you looking through your jaundiced infected cancerous eyes

while im dawning pink rosed spectacles, laughing out loud and smiling on the inside, loving me through and through

even on my darkest of days when I’m foolish enough to think I have been forsaken,

it only last for a moment

it lasts long enough for me to remember the song in my heart

that you haven’t the fortitude to touch,

just long enough to think of the life I am able to live because of WHO I AM…

not the life you thought I should be living because of what you did

you can’t touch me,  because when I see myself I smile, smile at the girl I have become, despite all of your bullshit, because im not lookn for you to love me, validate me or empower me... I AM POWER and have been since the day i born...

One Day these words wont be something i aspire to, but something i live consistently day in and day out...

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

I HAVE BEEN BRUNG LOW...

DAY WHO GIVES A DAMN ANYMORE...

So i have fallen off the wagon it has circle around and gained a significant amount of speed i believe another horse was added for momentum's sake and it has run me down...twice!

Now mind you these are all excuses and i am fully aware but i must, i owe it to my 2 loyal readers (Tams & Cherles) to give the low down on what is taking place!

Firstly we are moving, so in our feeble attempt to see everyone before we move off this coast we have volunteered to do such and such and so and so, and with my work schedule being as it is, i am already in a deficit as time is concerned. 

So me and he hubs have been painting, and i am talking custom, and if anyone is familiar with what it takes to roll out obscenely tall ceilings, you can concur if you will, that it is some frickin serious exercise going on. So i wasn't worried about the exercise portion. (now that i think about it that may also have contributed to my Typhoid incident? Curiouser and Curiouser)

Then We had to move everything for the "Estate" Sale taking place at my home. No one died no need for alarm, but i like "Estate" better than "Yard/Garage" sale, well needless to say we have a 6 bedroom 4 bath home and when i tell you i think Harriet Tubman may have hid in my basement during the underground railroad i would not be exaggerating! My house is huge, drafty and old and all the dust and typhoid flying about has brought me low. 

I have been eating horribly due to laziness and self sabotaging tendencies and having to use my nebulizer 3 times a day as my lungs have decided to take their leave and rightfully so given their improper treatment! So the games are afoot...my psychosis, the dust mites/typhoid and my allergies...what a cocktail!

So i am convalescing to work out another day. I started to dance today but decided i did not want to press my luck, as i only have needed a treatment once today so far, as my wheezing woke me from my slumber this morning. This is getting serial and I cant afford time off or hospital bills so i will lay low.

Since i have abused my privilege i must change my diet  and remove all wheat, dairy, citrus and every berry this side of the Mississippi, as that will improve my state significantly (back to the basics).  I am going to learn to love myself and do what is best for ME if it Kills me, and even if it does, i cant think of a worthier cause (well maybe a few!)

So to top off my many self induced ailments, my emotions have bested me as this was in my inbox from someone i love so dearly: I hear you and Bro. David are living the city. say it isn`t so. You will truly be missed, although facebook is close. (smile) Have a wonderful new life, continue to enjoy your husband(still miss mine.) and keep love alive.
Love you Sis. maria and I have grown to love and respect your husband too.
Tell him to leave me some bean pies or give me the recipe.(ha.) Dang, why do the good ones leave? Why? 

Well this was the first time i cried since we decided we were making the big move, as i am an adventurer at heart but i will sorely miss my fam! So, needless to say i am all over the place, much like this post Teheheheheheheheeheheheehehehe.

I swear before Jesus Christ and the Church of the Latter Day Saints I will get to the best version of myself!
I always ponder why i spend so much time on my boy to tend to his needs, all my children really, not my girls anymore as they are off raising their own children, but i was obsessive about those heathens too, trying to keep them from this that and the third...making sure they rest properly, eat properly, properly clothed and entertained. And the reason is simple, it is because i believe they are WORTH IT! I have Faith and Hope that if i do right by them they will be an asset to this world and make it better with their time and talents.

Why don't i have the same hope and faith in myself, what is preventing ME from seeing and appreciating my own WORTH? I expect others to treat me with a modicum of respect and reverence, should my expectations of myself be less than...i tell you i wrote this to my sister today in a text. i love this girl like a heartbeat, but i must INternalize these words and work towards that ever elusive SELF LOVE: "Don't be afraid of the Season of ME, as it may have record breaking highs or lows but it is your Season, so dress warmly or take it all off, either way the end result will be Spectacular!" (should use quotation marks when i am referencing myself?) 

Anyhow, This is my Season of ME and i wont stop this journey no matter how torrential the rains, blistering the cold or blazing the sun...this is my Season

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

Home of the Wire Chicken Boxes 1/2 & 1/2's and Urban Belly Dancers

DAY ???????? NOVEMBER FITNESS CHALLENGE

Okay we are on Day who knows what, i havent been blogging but i have been working out and some strange turn of events have taken place so i thought i would share! 

Firstly i been Turbo Jamming like a mug and i LOVE IT only doing the Cardio Party and the Finesse is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE my husband video taped it ridiculously but you get the gist of it, just turn your head sideways (what a boob) Gotta love him...and i do!

So i have been doing that for days because i love it so no sense in boring the heck out you people with it, and when i say you people...i mean you people! HA!

Secondly, 

I had my LADY SINGS THE BLUES GIVE IT TO ME MOMENT i swear before everything all i could see was Billy Dee Williams up in here bout some soda, i am addicted! I swear i was sweating and waiting at the door for my husband with a knife like Diana Ross...don't come up in here with out my soda, chips and ice cream, well the ice cream was really italian ice and its 100 percent fruit and 80 calories, so that was okay...but the soda not so much! HA!

I drank 2 bottles, one, on Thursday Night and One today, Ginger Ale Green Tea (deceptive intelligence) and Champagne Kola! Other than that my eating has been pretty steady, Soup, Salad, Fish or Veggies etc. and pretty dang good til my husband tried to fried some brussel sprouts...Dear Jesus be a Fence! 

Thirdly, i believe today was a turning point for me in so many ways! I actually ran today! My husband and I dropped our son off, and it was all last minute he was leaving and was like hurry up and get dressed, im like okay through my fanny pack (yes i said Fanny Pack DJM) WHICH NOW FITS! My lovely fleece yoga pants that i think are super duper sexy...other women may like silks, cashmeres, linens I LOVE FLEECE and YOGA PANTS they make me feel real gooood! So i ran out of here behind out of doors and to the wind!!!!!

I ran down the hill as my body mass will allow nothing else and i was booking by the time i got to the end (pic on left) Well what goes down, must come up (pic on right) Believe or not i use to run this hill, well not today but i will again! Although when i got to the top that bench (bottom center) almost had my name on it, started to sit there and call a cab to take me home! But i didn't! I kicked that hill's ass and took names! 

Its so frickin funny because my subconscious even has a sense of humor as i was nearing the end of the hill and coming around home Harder to Breathe came on! HA! And it couldn't have been Truer!   I use to hate running through the streets of the Home of the Wire Chicken Boxes 1/2 and 1/2's and Urban Belly Dances, but, i quickly changed my mind as i wanted our people to see that if my big azz can do it, anyone can and just get out there! It was great to know these 40 year old Fat legs still got it...and its mine to get! As today was beautiful and i actually felt the love for myself erupting and was passing it on! Self Love is not easy for me, but doable and the only way to develop it as with any loving relationship is to do compassionate, loving and nurturing things so that it may grow...BECAUSE LOVE IS AN ACTION WORD!

I am SO GLAD I CHALLENGED MYSELF as my day was like HEAVEN, i mean i enjoyed myself so thoroughly today and i am so convinced that the closer you get to your purpose and why you were created the happier and more joyful you become! When i FACE my challenges and kick them in the arse it builds my self esteem. My schedule was today consisted of Walk/Run...Work...Salat Al Jummah in which i cried some tears, but not sad tears but breakthrough Tears, then ...Get my Boy...Entertain Him...then back to work! My days are grueling at times no doubt but i am such in the space of gratefulness that i just can't give a damn about the small stuff! I am the big STUFF literally (i crack me up) I MATTER I COUNT I AM WORTHY! WORTHY! And i am on the cusp of something! I keep thinking imma be like BIG PUN like im trying to live i aint going nowhere #RIP

Everything i need is all in me, i just have to pray like everything depends on the Creator and Work like everything depends on me...because it does! Until Next Time....

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

I have a Dream...

DAY 10 NOVEMBER FITNESS CHALLENGE

It was all a dream i use to read WordUp magazine...My dream last night was B A N A N A S Bananas! in my dream my waistline was outrageously small so much so that a dude noticed (can't remember who) and was like what kind of trickery is this? And i was like its called a girdle...but no girdle in this universe could have pulled that off it was NUTS freakishly eery! 

I am trying not to get obsessed with size, my focus is of course to be the best version of myself but i really wanna be FRICKIN G.I. Jane...Ya Heard! I want to be in such good shape i can run 10 miles and then stop and fight four 3 minute Rounds! I want to be fit, so naturally the weight loss comes with that goal. But i get so caught up on image or what the scale says or the mirror says, it distracts me from being HEALTHY, and that's when i start the throwing up my food and being the star of my own personal frickin after school special; and i am way too old for that shattttt! 

So i kicked my previous days challenge in the arse, only for it to send its bigger meaner friend...ME!

SO lets recap on how my day went:

I slept like a champ!  I woke up, and scadaddled on to the good church house as i hadn't been in months due to working!!!!! Then had to leave there take my niece and nephew home, come back home and work out then go to work! 

I choose Dancing Dancing Dancing! And decided to do the Reebok Step DANCE???? OY VEY! I was stepping and this heifer...i mean lovely lady wanna add dancing too? I was cha cha cha'ing myself into the nearest Emergency Room! I didn't ace it but i completed it and on some parts i had to use the floor and not the step as i am working my way back to myself and it aint easy!!!! But it was only 30 minutes which was perfect as i was able to sit still for 5 minutes to collect my thoughts and then workout and go to work! My time management is at an all time LOW!!! Dear God its going to be my undoing!

So i hadn't eaten anything at that point accept a few pieces of cheese and crackers and some grapes i could feel my energy going down and i had to work until 12, so in my mind since i haven't put my meal plan together and gotten all of my healthy snacks i can continue on in my inordinacy until i am "prepared" What a boob! Self-sabotage at its best! Food is my crack! And i can't keep greeting it like i have a healthy take on it, because i DO NOT! 

So, i had a breakthrough of sorts! My previous blog i discussed what i wanted to do with my food and the my ultimate goal of becoming a Vegan...this was on Saturday Night, i posted this beautiful resource from Black Vegan Love and then by Sunday i was binge eating???? Talk about Psychosis!!! This was my dinner:

I should be ashamed considering i am so smart i annoy myself sometimes, thus, i know better, but i am not for some reason? Maybe im just tired of all the hairy bullshit (tehehehehehe what movie is that from?) And am okay with the slightly neurotic girl looking back at me in the mirror. It's not an "i am okay and this is me and who gives a damn," but an "okay crazy, this is ridiculous, and EYE SEE YOU, Now get it together!" Im telling you it is liberating when you simply choose to be yourself...regardless what self decides to show up on any particular day!

Good News is...i got my workout in and i am one step closer to the conditioning of my body! And we have already read the bad news so no sense in beating a dead horse, but i will say this, i am becoming more consciously aware of my shenanigans as i am going through them instead of weeks, months and years later. Keeping this up should prove me a god in a matter of time as i will foresee my folly and laugh at it and avoid it altogether in the very near future...of that i am sure! Meal Plan coming soon...

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

The Evil that Men Do...

Day 9 NOVEMBER FITNESS CHALLENGE

I am running myself RAGGEDY. I have got to do better, and each day i feel in the most visceral of ways that i am getting closer to my true self. When you truly learn to honor that mother wit God Conscious Women's intuition whatever you choose to call it and really  face and answer the hard questions evolution takes place! Sometimes you look back on yesterday or even this MORNING and wonder "who and the hell was that person?" 

I am raw right now and overly tired so who knows what will come off this keyboard so let me stick to the plan at hand: This morning Challenge ONE, my husband delivers me breakfast in bed. Now i love this man to the ends of the earth and back again, but waffles and eggs C'mon Son! So i just flat out said, i am not eating that! He said okay and gave it to my son.  Later when i asked why he brought that to me, he said if i hadn't you would have asked me why i didn't.  Which is so true, so i told him the truth, that i loved his dirty drawers and he is right he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't ..this isn't called slightly neurotic fat gurl because i couldn't think of a better title you know! 

So i kicked the first challenge of the day in the arse!

So i had to work, then meet a girlfriend in DC at one of my favorite restaurants CO CO SALA YUMMY 

Then travel to a Grocery Store out of my way for healthy snacks that are only sold at this store then come BACK to work and work until eleven.  

So instead of sleeping in this morning as i wished to do i pulled my rabbit out of my hat and my workout for today was martial arts! Well...I had the wrong tape which was the belt requirements that are beyond my scope, so i asked the resident Sensei to work me out! THIS FOOL GOES AND GETS HIS KENPO X  DVD that comes with his P90X and popped it in! 

I only had 45 minutes and due to technical difficulties it went down to 35 but i kicked ass and took names! This challenge is proving to me that the physicality is THERE...it is indeed my diet, not to be on a diet, but there are some psychological and physiological issues at play here!

I sat here at my desk and thought overall i have had a successful day! I have been trying to deal with my eating portion as i love the active part of this challenge but the food part has always been difficult, i am meeting this challenge methodically and with purpose because it is my destiny to master this and never go back,  and this is what i received today as i was just about to log off for today : This was posted on Facebook by BlackVeganLove.com

In the beginning of a dietary shift you ARE NOT stronger than your cravings. Nor should you expect to be. You have developed a relationship to the foods you eat. You and your previous diet are like the best of friends, inseparable, all the way down to the cellular level. It's that deep. The food that you have chosen to put into your body up until now has become you and is a part of your physiology

. That's no easy bond to break! So, why are you attempting to stick to better eating habits using willpower alone? Don't get me wrong, if you're a master of standing your ground and that works for you, that's awesome. But the vast majority of us fall off the bandwagon, time and time again unless we have systems in place to help us achieve our goals.

The best piece of advice I can give you to combat, or ignore cravings that call you to eat bad for you foods, is to not go hungry when you know you'll be surrounded by food options that are going to scream your name. Don't do it to yourself. Be around your old favorite restaurant, out with friends with no health food store in sight, or around junk food options galore and let your stomach growl just one time and you might slip back to your old ways. So always stay stocked with healthy snacks, eat before you go out when you know temptation will be near and then let your willpower do the rest, but don't ask of yourself the impossible by going hungry and seeing how long you can hold out. Almost never turns out right.

My destiny is Vegan-ism, i may have made that up but so damn what its my blog! Not because it is a fad, but this is what my body needs after so much damage i have bestowed upon it. Through my depression and self loathing and struggles and pain FOOD has been my GOD and i make no qualms with that! I have met it at the alter on many occasion in my obeisance to it. And i am ready for it to serve ME as it should!

I know through several different sources and confirmations from how i feel, dairy, wheat, gluten are no good for me, not just due to WEIGHT but simply my optimal health! This is a process and i will find the balance and i will meet my destiny with open arms and heart. This is what i choose, you may choose something else, and that is fantastic but whatever we choose we have to choose from a place of knowledge, wisdom and understanding with self-love and self-discovery as its platform! 

Plan:

Meal Plan as i phase out all meat, fish, processed foods, wheat, white sugar etc..

SLEEP

Exercise

BALANCE in all things...

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

Get Jiggy Wit it!

DAY 8 NOVEMBER FITNESS CHALLENGE

Dear God in Heaven i Chose Dancing Dancing Dancing....she's a dancing machine ah baby OWWW! Anyone who knows me knows i will suffer a mini stroke before i get off the dance floor, one time me and my sisters partied so hard i couldn't see out my right eye Teheheheheheeheheheehehe i swear to Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints everyone had to stand to my left!!! We turned that Motha OUT and could barely move the next day (DJU) 
So, needless to say i was thrilled beyond measure when i pulled dancing from my cup WOO HOOOOO!!!

The Dilemma:

So i couldn't go to dance class as none were available between my split shift so i had to get creative. I groaned and thought i was gonna have to dance to Hip Hop Abs with Shaun T Buttery Behind, and then EUREKA! YouTube, so i Collard and Corn Breaded 3 times for my warm up. Wobbled my behind around my living room 4 times...almost tripping trying to watch the video, and Cupid Shuffled with the best of them, i think i did that 3 times also or at least twice and then Broke out with the Booty Called and this rendition i DID NOT LIKE and only God Knows what i was actually doing i only did this once and then warmed down with the Booty Wurk which i thought was the Booty Call but was not but i did it cause what the hey hey? It was great! i was moving and sweating and doing something i love, but i have to say i must invest in a dance video because all that stopping to find the video etc. was annoying, especially with my husbands sub par Machine as his machine can hook up to our flat screen and my superior MAC is far too good for such shenanigans (okay i don't have the usb cord!) so that was a down side! 

On the last dance before the warm down i kept my arms above my heart the entire time to get the greatest impact and did not stay ground to add intensity. I hope i get dancing again...teheheheheheehe Please hit the links and try the dances for yourself...i hope you love them as much as i do:D

My eating was hotmess.com as usual but i DID GO GROCERY SHOPPING Yay Me! i had:

 & 

and Orange Soda, White Popcorn and Greek Yogurt

I am working my food situation gradually as i am struggling for balance, i have gone hard core before to the point of throwing up waffles after i had eaten them in my bathroom I NEVER WANNA SEE That person again, so when i am ready it will come, of that i am sure...

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

Its Getting Its Getting Its Getting Kinda Hectic!

DAY 7 NOVEMBER FITNESS CHALLENGE

So how bout them O's? Dear God in Heaven i almost didn't make it yesterday with my workout! I started packing up my house and ran into the time I was suppose to start work, THEN had a meeting after work, but with a tiny window between in which my sister filled with pics from my 40th Birthday Photo Shoot.  Every Person in the Shoot is a part of the Challenge SAVE my Eldest Sister who is, and she wont mind me saying A BOOB! HA! But i love her, and its so funny because as a child she was my I D O L she could jump run and was an all around athlete...my how time flies, well at any rate i was distracted thumbing through the pics and my timeline was ever decreasing but not my waistline!

THEN i looked up and had exactly 42 minutes left before i had to sit back at my desk for 7 hours straight until midnight. All i could hear in my head was Tim Gunn's Voice "make it werk" so i hopped up did not put on the proper foundation grabbed my workout of the day out of my cup 

This is the concept fill one cup with work out of the day, pull from one cup WORKOUT and place it in other cup as completed

SCRATCHED off what it said and put another workout because i had no time for FIGHT CLUB it was perfect for Thursday as there is a 5 dollar Boxing Class at the Eubie Blake Center, which a fabulous little cultural gem in our fair city! But i had to work so STEP REEBOK w/Gin Miller it is! I was able to do a little better than the other day but since i hadn't stopped to put on the proper foundation on some of the moves i had to stay grounded. Which my son thought to tell me "MOM you belong up there" BOY GET OUT OF HERE! But i did it up until it was time for me to report back to work. IT definitely gave me energy to make it til midnight BUT i had no time to eat proper!

My Diet:

Lentil Beans

Brown Rice

Onion Rings

White Popcorn

Water

oh and i stole a couple of my husbands ice cream bits (bad Reah)

Grape Juice

I have a meeting this morning at 930 but after that i am off to the market so that i can start my meal planning, There has to be a balance between proper diet and workout for me, otherwise i may be conditioning but not really getting healthier and THAT is my GOAL!  

I ask myself, i say self...how are you going to do all this with 10-12 hour work days, a husband, a 3 year old and moving across the country? It is BEYOND ME...but when you are ready, no excuse/reason/obstacle will do!  Please enjoy the Reebok Step Link as it is a 45 minute workout and it is FAB! Lets Get it! 

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

WHO AM I????

DAY 6 NOVEMBER FITNESS CHALLENGE

OBAMA DRAMA continues....

WORKOUT WHAT?

DAY 5 NOVEMBER FITNESS CHALLENGE

...i was off in LALA Election Land i allowed the enormous energy surrounding the election to engulf me...learned a lesson about shielding my empathic mind/soul because it was my undoing...

OMG the Turbo Jam was almost my undoing

Day 4 NOVEMBER FITNESS CHALLENGE 

So i haven't blogged in a couple of days and Lord knows i can't remember what i did this morning much less 2 days ago. But i know i did the TURBO JAM and it was not a game. I did the Party Mix 3 Cardio OMG what is that little lady thinking? She is thinking she is gonna whip my arse in shape that's what!

When i tell you i could not get the moves i mean i couldn't, i would say i felt like Buffy, Jenny or Tammy, but Buffy Jenny and Tammy put my ShaNayNay behind to shame. My rhythm was off and i could see my husband behind me like what the FRACK? 

BUT i persevered and i did not give up and i finished the 50 minute work out.  YAY ME!

My eating this day was an all you can eat event at one of my favorite eateries O'S PLACE and i didn't leave up out that piece until my husband rolled me out on the freight elevator!

One thing i have learned from this experience thus far, is that i WILL NOT GIVE UP and i WILL MASTER myself and be successful. 

Wanted to offer a treat for the Turbo Jam and provide a little taste of what it entails. My favorite part is at the end called the Finesse...couldn't find it anywhere on the net? COULDN'T believe it?  But i find this little snippet and i really am into it CHECK IT OUT

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

Hello the 80's is Calling and They Want Their Work Out Back !

DAY 3 NOVEMBER FITNESS CHALLENGE 

So desperate times call for desperate measures that's right ladies and gentlemen you eyes are not deceiving you i am performing.....wait for it.....STEP Aerobics, not just any step but REEBOK STEP w/Gin Miller

I had not realized how much i ONE Missed Gin Miller and the gang, but also, how much i enjoyed Step Aerobics as an exercise, and the big Deal is I USE TO BE GOOD AT IT? 

However, today i was holding on to God's unchanging hand, I was uncoordinated and just a hotdamnmess if i say so myself and I DO! I was out of breath, doing the low impact and Dear Jesus did she just tell me to jump across this damn thing? 

BUT and again a bigger but than my own, I DID IT! i did not give up and i swear that TAPE AND YES i do mean VH to the mother effn S was an hour long. It was not my intention to go back to the future but my Walk Away the pound DVD (which is the exercise i picked for today) is Scratched and skipping. So i decided to go into the archives and i am glad i did, as this will be a splendid addition to my arsenal against slothfulness! 

What did i eat today: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Fried Chicken, Potatoes and Pepsi, now i have to say in my defense that my husband wasn't home so therefore i didn't eat (is that really in my defense?) I thought it was until i typed it out HA! So he brought me food while i worked at my desk and inhaled it at 9:35 pm. This has given me another resolve! MEAL PLANNING! I am not starving myself, I am not depriving myself I am going to be sensible again STRUGGLE FOR BALANCE which i actually read today also. And it reminded me i need to juice up and have the creator as my center because even as an imbalanced being, the creator will be my anchor to maintain the balance i need to be successful! 

Guess what else i found???? Jane to the MothaEffin Fonda!!!! Whaaaaaaaat?? Ahmahzing!!!!! I am gone work these old gals until i can complete these videos and be like what? SMACK DOWN GIN...SUPLEX JANE...you aint said nothing but a word!!!! But first i need to purchase an actual STEP because i used my son's play mats and that was not SAFE but effective!!!! I am so uber excited about this challenge now and although everything on me still aches...it aches so good and i am one step closer to being the best version of myself. Which is fricking fantastic if i do say so myself.. and i do 

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

NoBODY Move NoBODY Gets Hurt!

DAY 2 NOVEMBER FITNESS CHALLENGE

Dear Jesus be a Masseuse Shaun Theodore Tuttlebaum has brought me low.  My body hurts so much i could barely make it to work and i work in my home, from my toes to the ends of my hair..HURT! BUT and its a big But (even bigger than my own) It did not deter me from pressing on and performing my duty to myself with Day's 2 exercise WALK AWAY THE POUNDS  Today it was more like Agonizing Away the Pounds because i tell you it took everything in me to complete this challenge this day.

I called my partner and she flaked out on me talking some ole yin yang about her body hurts i wanted to come through the phone but one...i would not fit and two i didn't have the strength! 

But i pressed on!

Yesterday i finally had my meal: Tacos and Navy Bean Soup with Lots of Water...i had such a headache once Shaun T finished whipping up on me that i decided to eat something but it was tooooo late and the headache turned into a migraine that would not let up! So i took a Tylenol PM and 500 MG Tylenol extra strength to no avail.

I finished with work at 11pm and went to bed...or so i thought. My alter ego emerged with a Lustful Vengeful Fury and devoured not one but 2 candy bars in the night. I didn't want to focus to much on my food this go round, as much as focusing on getting active and what is eating ME!  I want to gradually make this life style change with my food intake because i know i have a serious issue with food!!!! By this worlds terms i eat pretty healthy, but from a HOW TO EAT TO LIVE standpoint and from a lover of self standpoint I most certainly do not!

So i didn't beat myself up about it or guilt myself about it or given it much thought other than i must do better, i am going to love myself through this process as i have beaten myself up for far too long treating myself less than but expecting more? Talk about oxymoronic and heavy on the moron. 

So tonight it is my fervent prayer that the shakes don't come upon me and i morph into a cross between Diana Ross in Lady Sings the Blues and Chris Rock in New Jack City because all the G Moneys and Billy Dees in this world will not be able to stop me #slightlyneuroticfatgurl 

But every thing we need is in us and when i say us i don't mean me as an individual but US as in the human family so my sister suggested that we not get caught up in the physical and neglect the mental/spiritual and when she did another part of the "US" my other sister suggested a self help study guide STRUGGLE FOR BALANCE now how timely is that? I will feed on this word as i learn to love myself enough to do better by myself as we know the unseen is ALWAYS greater than the seen. 

This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!

Got damn that Shaun T Made my Day

Day 1 November Fitness Challenge

Okay so i am officially 40!!!!!! I generally celebrate my birthday on January 1st as i hated being the last person in my class to celebrate, but October finally made it and i officially turned 40! My sisters birthdays are all out of the way, all the cake, cupcakes, pink panties nachos and any other fat gurls dream has been consumed and i am now left with the aftermath!

I feel my fat following me LITERALLY it is all along my back end and it is taunting me, cursing me, shrilling and laughing manically as i struggle to do ANYTHING! Even when i sit down i feel it sit down after me, and its like "say something b*#ch i dare you" so instead of saying something...something MUST BE DONE!

Grant it, many things have been done before as i lead a pretty active lifestyle as i love to dance and generally do, at least 3 times a week. But lately i have done NOTHING, but party, eat drink and be as merry as Santa Claus and as round! 

But listening to Oprah and her struggles with weight, her struggles has taught me ONE THING the most crucial component in my fat gurlisms i am not a fat gurl who can merely be active, what i do and eat are the determining factors in my weight loss, gain and maintenance. But we will get into that later. Right now we are focusing on two November Challenges and the first one goes as follows:

Beginning November 1st. Write out 30 daily exercises (on whatever you choose, doesn't have to be Popsicle sticks) Pull one out the cup daily and hop to it. Leggo!!!!!!

The Second Challenge is like so:

Our November Weight Loss Challenge will be the “Exercise 5 days per week | Avoid sweets, candy, soda, or white flour Challenge”!!! We will also be juicing once a day as a bonus challenge for those who are interested. Please Visit check out the CHALLENGE

to find out what you need to do to join the challenge.

So i listen to my 22 year old niece and was like hey come on over for INSANITY...i got bitch slapped by Shaun T all over my living room. I am mostly upset because i use to be able to do these exercises? Albeit i may have done the challenge 2 years ago but still? Why keep going backwards? Why keep having to start all over again every new year, birthday, Hanukkah, Ramadan and Easter Sunday? 

It all comes down to Self Love and the lack thereof, and i am going to get to the bottom of it if it is the last thing i do...which it may be if i keep this Shaun T nonsense up!

So the second Day of my Challenge...come what may but i am not adding Shaun T punk ass back in the mix until the 3rd week cuz not only did he treat me like a wet food stamp...i think he brought on a bout of Influenza...now don't quote me on that...still waiting for my Dr's Results!

Now for the food portion i have yet to eat and don't think i will have the strength to do so, but i do have the supplement Shakelogy in case i get shaky...pardon the pun! 

And brush up on my How To Eat to Live Book 1


i am truly weary of killing myself slowly with the foods well can't even call it food 
cuz i swear i can live off of Girl Scout Cookies and Green Tea Ginger Ale til 
the end of days!!!! 

Too weak to type on but follow my progress as i attempt yet again to make this lifestyle change for GOOD! This is a road of self-love self-discovery and self-mastery. I think we could all do better if we learned to control ourselves and set a course for our own destiny instead of offering so many opinions and advice we simply do not follow personally. BE THE CHANGE WE SEEK!